Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So tired.....

I'm tired of being infertile. I am. I really am. I'm done, and I'm not enjoying it any more (OK, I never enjoyed it, nobody ever does - but you know what I mean)

I'm tired of going onto the message boards and finding new people with questions. It strikes me real hard when I can count the "oldies" on the fingers of one hand. All the others have come and gone (mostly gone on with pregnant bellies). I'm tired of having most of the answers because I've been there at some point. Now I don't even feel like answering any more. I'm just plain tired!

But there is always a little ray of hope that keeps me going. I'm back to hoping again. I'm hoping my trip to Denver brings me some major revelations, and suddenly we're able to boink our heads and say "Of course!!! Why did we never think of that???" Or "Of course - how come Dr M didn't think of that???"

Chances are, there won't be any major revelations. I'm just hoping my self out into a vulnerable spot again, to let myself be disappointed. Do I sound bitter? It's because I am. I wasn't, but I am now. Extremely "bittered" by everything that I have gone through and everything that I have lost. 

I'm not going to say much - I don't want to jinx whatever hope I have for Denver. I want to go with a blank canvas (or one that has been painted white over what was an extremely messy black and red canvas!)

6 comments:

Jackie. said...

Tabula Rasa seems like it may be out of the question, and rightly so. How about I keep up the good hopes for you along with the rest of these wonderful ladies? That way you can protect yourself however you need to. We get it.
Hugs.

Shelby said...

I'm sorry things have been rough for you lately. You are so brave for continuing this, even after all you've been through. I hold out hope that some positive news comes your way at CCRM.

And I totally get it. IF is tiring, sickening, and torturous. Damn anyone who says differently.

Miss Tori said...

Nikki,

I know exactly how you feel regarding the boards. I try to look for updates from those who were there when I was there, but skip over the newbies. I wish them well, of course, but I can't make myself dose out advice anymore (for the most part).

Best of luck today in Denver. You're only 100 miles north of me right now!

Darya said...

Nikki!

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and wish I could offer you something that will make it all better.

I really really hope this works for you and have my fingers crossed. I hope you find your answers in Denver and that you are pregnant shortly after.

Sending you a cyber hug...

Jewels said...

I haven’t even been down the roads you have had to travel and yet I'm exhausted too. I sympathize with you.

Nichole said...

I am so right there with you. It seems like every where I turn, there are pg women, commercials, babies, etc. I am so sick of it to. At this point I am so devastated, tired, bitter and depressed, the only reason I am going to start trying again so soon after m/c is only for my husband. I have totally lost hope.
Hang in there...you aren't alone. It has been 3 years and 7 months for us!