Sunday, September 21, 2008

Me outside this blog

Every time I click on "New Post" and my fingers come to the keyboard to start writing something on this blog, I am wearing my infertility cap. This blog has been my free therapist. It has turned into a place where I come and vent and rant about my feelings on and through infertility. It is my infertility diary. 

But that's not all of who I am. The same is the case for all you other ladies that write blogs about your struggles with IF or miscarriages etc. That's not what defines us! 

For those who know me only through this blog or our message boards, I am just that "Nikki who has tried for over 7 years to get pregnant, and has had 3 losses, and is now trying to start afresh at CCRM. Nikki has a T shaped uterus, and her DH has a reciprocal balanced translocation. Poor thing."

That is just a one dimensional view of me. One part of my personality and life. There is a lot of me outside this blog. 

If I read the posts I have written on my blog so far, and if I put myself in the shoes of someone who doesn't know me, it would appear that other than being infertile I am nothing else. And that's not true. 

This particular post is an effort to remind myself of who I am, while at the same time, letting people in on other parts of my life a little bit. 

I love a hearty laugh. I do. I have a big laugh and I laugh easily. I laugh at things I read, and during movies and while watching TV. Most of all I laugh when I am with friends. 

I am witty. I think of comebacks quickly and am quick to respond. I love to make people laugh at my witticism. I specially love it when DH gets a hearty laugh out of my commentary. Sometimes my retorts or comebacks have made guys blush, and that makes me feel a little bit out of line, but I secretly like it - that even they were stumped :-)

I am very emotional. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cannot hide things from people. I am honest, open and completely transparent. I cannot imagine being any other way. 

I am non confrontational, despite being transparent and honest. I cannot and will not put my foot down and confront any situation which involves another human being. I will confront my failures and struggles on my own, but I will not "argue" or "debate" with another person. I am quick to adapt to and accept other's points of views. 

I have a Bachelors in Biology, and an MBA in Human Resources. I did not want to do an MBA, but I did it because my entire family thought I was best suited to corporate life. My personal secret wish was to pursue Biology and get a Masters in Genetics. 

(See the irony there? I should have gotten that Masters in Genetics - how useful that would be today, given the translocation, and chromosomes and everything I'm having to read and learn about now!)

I hated corporate life from my first job onwards. I realized very quickly that I get bored with routine work. I need to be doing something which challenges my brain on a daily basis. If not, I'm out. 

I enjoyed the last job I was at, but I quit because I wanted to focus on my IVFs and get control over the work stress. I had just miscarried and I was out of my mind with grief and stress and lack of control. 

DH and I co-founded a company, which we just launched. We hope to make it a company which challenges us, and becomes an employer that employees love. We want to make it the kind of company we always wished we were employed in. 

I love to cook and entertain. I absolutely love to cook for people and have people enjoy the evening. 

DH and I are best friends. In all honesty, I don't need anybody else in my life. I'm very fortunate that I have a husband who is also my best friend. I don't feel the need to have a girls night out, or go away from him to get a break. I don't feel the need to hide anything from him. He pampers me like a little baby, and I confess: I'm spoilt. 

I love dogs. Big dogs. We have a 3 year old German Shepherd - Simba.  He's our little baby. He came home when he was 6 weeks old. He is just the joy of our lives - absolutely unconditional in his love, and absolutely devoted to us. 

There's a lot more, but if I go on and on, this post will be way too long. 

I wanted to give my cyber friends a little picture of me and my life. I also wanted to remind my real life friends that I too had a life :-) and even though I'm underground right now, I do still live. I still laugh, and still joke and kid around, and I still hope. 


Kymberli said...

I absolutely, positively LOVED this post. About three months into my blog, I also realized that I was sort-of pigeonholing myself into being a snarky, bitter infertile. That might be a small part of me, but it's not all of me. It's not even most of me. I made an effort from them on out to let a little more of a bigger picture of myself spill out into the blog. Sometimes I have to make an effort to do it.

It seems like we have a lot in common. I also feel like I don't need anyone other than my hubby, and he spoils me rotten, too. Non-confrontational to the core, I also adapt to other people's views. In my mind I'm very opinionated, but it's rare that I make my opinions known (the negative ones) without first being asked for my input.

Shelby said...

Repeat after me, "I am not my infertility!" Sometimes, I need to remind myself of this.

Ya know, I was actually thinking about the very topic of this blog post yesterday...that because of the way in which I use my blog, I might come across as someone who is only made up of IF and nothing else. While I won't deny that it can be all-consuming at times, it is not who we are. I am so glad you brought this to light. And it was wonderful learning about the other 'parts' of you. Like you, I adore my animals and most importantly, Mr. S. We are pretty much the glued at the hip type, BFFs all the way. :)

By the way, I will be in town (as in San Jose) on Friday. If you're free and up for it, give me a holla!

Melanie said...

Great post Nikki!!!! I love it!!! I have learned new things about you. A degree in biology! YAY for you. My degree was going to be in Microbiology... it will someday. I stopped when I got married b/c of expense and yada yada. I'll go back. I wanted to be a lab rat! I love being in the lab. I loved working with all that stuff. Thank you for sharing part of you outside of infertility. I knew there was lots to ya besides being infertile. There's lots to all of us. It just seems that we get consumed by infertility... whichs sucks. Thanks for sharing!!!

Jackie. said...

Rock star post, once again, Nikki. No surprise. I knew there was more to you than IF, so have no fear, I just had no idea we had so much in common:
DH is best friend too. He can make me laugh until my stomach aches-- like I'm a kid.
I also like to cook, but I'm a bit of an introvert, so I'd rather entertain for a few than a lot (or just DH and me!).
I once thought that I was also suited for the corporate world....
No girls night out stuff for me either. I cherish the relationships with the woman I have become friends with as an adult, but I have never been interested in a tequila drinking, golden boy stripping night on the town. Cheers to those who can handle it, but that's not my bag, baby.
Have a great night.

Anonymous said...

Hi Nikki, I just came across your blog for the first time tonight. OMG. We have A LOT in common. I live in the Bay Area. I have failed two IVFs and have never been PG (my husband has MF as well). The kicker: I have a non-DES t-shaped uterus also. I was told by my first RE and my first IVF RE that "it didn't look bad enough" and that they wouldn't recommend surgery and that I was a perfect IVF candidate. Ha! Two BFNs later we decided to go to to CCRM and Dr. Schoolcraft- he immediately recommended surgery (an operative hysteroscopy) after he took a look inside. He basically said to me that its the next logical thing to fix considering my two failed cycles already. He didn't use the word 'funky' but he said I was pretty tiny in there. Anyways, I got that done in May of this year and had the balloon in for a week and everything. I didn't go back until August to check it out. Between that time, we decided to say screw IVF and adopt and I'm very happy with our decision! However, my husband really wanted to go back to Dr. Schoolcraft for the post-op and to get closure. I waffled for a long while but finally went. I'll be honest when I say that I was secretly hoping that the surgery was a bust because I just KNEW that if I got good news, I would start thinking about IVF again. Well I got good news. Surgery was successful and he was really happy with the results. I think there is still a very mild indentation at the top but he didn't seem worried. After the hysteroscopy and U/S, he was actually giddy and said to us that it looks like a brand new uterus and gave us a 50/50 shot of IVF working. Well after much discussion and soul searching, we've decided to go through IVF one last time with him. Because if he can't get me PG, then I'm done. Mentally I'm already done but I know I will always 'wonder'. And given the amount my husband and I have gone through, I think this last cycle will be closure in a way. And I feel incredibly guilty about going through with it since that is a no-no with our adoption agency. Anyways, I'm sorry for the novel on your blog! I've only come across other ladies with a t-shaped uterus a few times but when I read your blog tonight, I just HAD to respond. Please feel free to email me: amy.raf at gmail dot com. I wish you much luck with your surgery and if you have any questions about it, I'll be happy to tell you my experience with it and offer any support.

Take care :)

Jewels said...

What a great post, I have a book on Cancer (it came with my vita-mix blender, I dont have cancer)
But I read the first couple pages in it and one thing it says is "Dont focus on what's wrong with you, focus on what's right with you", so what a great reminder to do that.
It is aslo so nice to get to know more about you, you put into words very nicely many things I see in my self. We have so many similarities.
I would have to say the only difference is I cry instead of laugh, I cry when I think something is funny, it sucks so bad to - it's totally embarrassing, I am such an emotional person, and I actually think the little lever in the emotion box that controls laughter is the same one that controls crying, my laughter button is just defective so I mostly cry instead.
I watch a funny movie, tell or hear a joke that’s funny? I’ll be over there bawling my eyes out. Well – not that bad, sometimes I think people think I don’t have a sense of humor because I show little emotion, but that’s me holding back the embarrassing tears. BUT HEY, If you see me crying, you know I think it's funny! .... Usually.
And I totally gravitate to people who laugh a lot, sometimes their laughter rubs off on me and I find my self able to laugh (till I cry) and it feels so good to laugh like that, a real true deep laugh, I don’t get to often :(
And I have to admit, I love time with the girls, But it’s more retreat type hanging out, Lunch - facials, movie night at my house and I cook for them. I'm not a partier. I've been invited to those types of GNO and I pass, I have NO desire to get all dressed up for other guys (ever) especially if my guy isn’t by my side.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Thanks for this post and the reminder that our infertility does not define us.

Lauren said...

Great post, Nikki! You always sound sweeter and sweeter and it's too bad we live so far apart! It would be great to know you in real life. :)
I agree, we all seem to become our "problem" and it's nice to remind ourselves that we're so much more.
You give me so many good ideas for my blog -- but then I don't want to look like I'm stealing your ideas!! :)