Awww!!!!!

Most of my posts in the recent past have been heavy, emotional ones. I think it's high time I put out something for people to smile at. This video made me smile - a lot! And of course reminded me of why I want a baby girl so bad!! Enjoy!

(The video is courtesy youtube - but I think it's ok to put it here since blogger and youtube are both part of google anyway!)

HORRORSCOPE

I’m struggling with what and how much to tell my parents about the complexity of my IF struggles. I mean, they ~know~ we’ve been trying. They ~know~ we’ve been through “treatment”, and they know about my pregnancy losses (well – they know about the m/c and the ectopic. I didn’t tell them about my chemical pg, because my mom was stressing out a lot at the time, and later it didn’t make sense to)

They know we are seeing a doctor in Denver, and they know my “treatment” was getting postponed week by week, and they know that we called the cycle off and are now on a break from TTC. And they have been very supportive through it all. Obviously they love us and hurt for us, and obviously they find themselves helpless but still want to help.

While I keep them vaguely informed of stuff, I don’t go into too many details. For various reasons, I can’t. One reason being that there is a huge “language barrier” – no, it’s not that my parents and I don’t speak the same language. Of course we do, but my mom’s English is not that great, and I don’t know how to explain IF terms in my mother tongue. I mean, how do you say IVF or FET or Balanced Translocation in any language but English? So I sort of try and explain in as simple a way as I can – like telling them that “They take my eggs out, and they “make” embryos in the lab.” They know that our embryos are frozen right now – I don’t know how much of that they understand, but I’m ok with them not understanding everything. They don’t have to – I think it might scare them knowing all the details of our procedures.

There is also the reason of being protective towards DH and him towards me. I never told my parents about his BT. I didn’t want anyone to feel or say anything about him, even unintentionally. We have enough challenges in our lives, and really don’t want added dimensions on top of our complexities!

And then there is the whole “comfort” issue. How can I talk to my parents about vaginal ultrasounds, or DH’s sperm, or fertilization, or some of the completely shamelessly invasive stuff we go through? Some people may be comfortable talking to their parents about everything, but I never could.

So anyway, now they know that we have stopped our “treatment” in Denver. They also know that we’re looking for work, and that the economy is so tight right now. I understand that they want to help, and I don’t know how to explain to them that the best help they can extend is by staying supportive and not intruding.

Some of you may know how big astrology and horoscope reading is in India. Many marriages are finalized only when the boy’s and girl’s horoscopes “match”. Many parents get their children’s horoscopes made when the child is born. Many important decisions are taken “when the time is right.” Many ventures, and trips are started “when the stars are right.” Of course marriages happen “at an auspicious day and time.”

My parents thankfully were never the kinds who went very strictly by horoscopes. They have always been a good mixture of tradition and practicality. They didn’t even get our horoscopes made – they always told us (my siblings and me) that what we made of our lives was up to us.

So what my mother did recently shocked me, and made me realize how much of an effect my IF has on my parents.

She got our horoscopes made, and sent them to one of her friends who specializes in astrology. And she told me that she had done this. I protested. I told her it didn’t make sense. I told her it would just make me feel superstitious if my FET date didn’t match her “good dates”. And I don’t need superstition added to the mix of all my stress anyway. And I tried to tell her that. I said she could find out and keep the dates for herself if it made her feel relaxed.

Last night she told me she heard from her friend. And she proceeded to tell me that the time is good for us right now. I told her I am not going back to Denver right now – she said she meant that our time is good now for a few months, and chances are very high that I will conceive.

It’s like this added pressure you know? I mean, I’m not angry at my mom, and I’m not complaining, so don’t get me wrong. She is doing what she can do – and this is out of even her comfort zone, but she’s doing it because she’s helpless to do anything else, and she hurts for us.

But I’m struggling with how to tell her to not “pressure” us this way. Or should I just listen and keep quiet - let them assume I'm following their suggestion? What would you do? I don’t want to offend her, but I do want her to understand. Any suggestions?

God made his presence felt...

I’ve mentioned this so many times in the past. Over the last few years, I’ve had an on-again, off-again relationship with God. I’m Hindu by religion, and as is well known, Hindus have hundreds, or maybe even thousands of Gods that they pray to. Growing up, my parents were never very forceful about religion. I grew up with reverence to a higher power, but never very ritualistic about religion. Hinduism does tend to be very ritualistic. Then I married someone from a completely different region of India, and suddenly, there was a whole new set of Gods that came into the picture. His family is extremely ritualistic, and so along with a new set of Gods, there was a whole new set of “rules” and rituals that came into the mix.

Ours has never been a very traditional marriage in any case, and in this aspect too, it was never any different. DH and I developed a “respect for God”, but no forceful rituals, and with no choice of one God over the others.

So we were never very religious to start with. Yes, we go to the temple once in a while, and we pray, and that is the extent of us being religious. Our routine has usually been to “say Hi to God” once a day, mostly in the morning, right after we shower.

Then IF happened to us. At first I prayed more fervently. I promised many things to God. Hindus believe in “vowing” to do something if God grants their wishes. So yes, I vowed to do a lot of things, but my wishes never came true. We begged, pleaded, promised, cried, and tried everything we could, but nothing happened.

Then I got pregnant. We thanked God over and over again – God was listening to us! Our wishes were being granted! Finally!

Then I miscarried. Not knowing where to turn, I blamed everything on God. We closed the doors to our temple (most Hindus have a little “temple” area in our homes, where we keep our deities etc.  Ours is in a linen closet! ☺ ) We didn’t pray for weeks, even though it felt odd, but we were at such odds with God, that we couldn't bring ourselves to prayer.

Over the last year and a half, I’ve gone back to praying, but I have stopped asking for anything in particular. I pray for others more than I do for myself now. And of late I’ve been trying to believe in the thought that God has a plan for me, even though I can’t see what it is.

And then God made His/Her presence felt in a way that only God can.

On this last Sunday, DH went off-roading with some of his friends. I met some friends for brunch, and then came back home. I tried calling DH several times that afternoon but couldn’t get through to him. Then finally, I got a call from DH a few hours later that they had had an accident and that our friend’s SUV had lost balance while going downhill on a rocky terrain. The SUV had rolled over 5-6 times down the hill until it finally stopped in a ravine. DH and 3 other people were in the vehicle. The glass windows had all shattered, the roof of the SUV had crumbled and caved inwards, and the vehicle was totaled. 

Miraculously the 4 friends walked out relatively unhurt. DH got a gash on his head,  the owner of the SUV got a muscle injury in his back, and the others got away with minor aches and pains and bruises. Of course, paramedics were called, and our friend whose back went out was airlifted to the closest ER. DH and the other 2 friends were taken in an ambulance. They didn't have cell phone reception till a couple of hours after the accident - till they were in the ambulance, on the way to the ER, and that's when DH called me. 

All this happened 90 miles away, and I had to drive out there to bring them home from the ER. My heart sank when I heard what DH was saying, but the fact that he was ~there~ - talking to me – his voice gave me the strength to remain calm as I drove out there. 

It could have been much worse. I shudder to think what would happen if that phone call I got brought news any different than what it did. I shudder to think of DH (and of course our friends) in that SUV, rolling downhill. Anything could have happened. They could have been thrown out of the vehicle and crushed. They could have got broken bones, and got injured severely.

When I reached the hospital and saw DH, I was trembling with the realization that we were so darned lucky that day. It could have been fatal. God truly had his hand over that vehicle that day.

I have been quick to whine and complain about my problems in life, and in the process, I was taking some things for granted. The events on Sunday made me re-assess everything, and made me realize the value of what I have in life. We have been so caught up in our failures that we have forgotten to enjoy each other, and we have forgotten to be thankful for each other’s company and the love and strength in our relationship.

I truly feel like that was a wake up call from God for us to sit up and take notice of everything that has been given to us. I am reminded of a hymn we used to sing in school:

Count your blessings,
Name them one by one
And it will surprise you
What the Lord has done.

Amen to that. I think it’s time for me to look at my life and count my blessings.

Blogoversary and me...

I apologize for my silence. I am usually not the quiet type of person. I talk talk talk all the time, and my need to express myself is pretty high. But the last week (or couple of weeks) has been very exhausting. It’s taking me a long time to process my thoughts and feelings, and even at the end of processing everything, I’m not sure of my thoughts and feelings.

To begin with – it’s my blogoversary today. I started my blog on 3/24/08 – I wrote a couple of introductory posts and then disappeared till July. So July was when I really started writing regularly, but this blog was created a year ago today.

And as I look back over the year, I realize I’m still in exactly the same place. It’s like being on a treadmill. You run, you’re tired, but physically you’re stationary. You’re in the same place. I’m totally tired and worn out, but nowhere near where I imagined I would be. Almost everyone I know in real life is one of the following:

a) Pregnant

b) Has just delivered a baby

c) Has a child (or two or even three)

d) Not in TTC mode (yet)

Me? Here is where I am:

e) None of the above

The whole experience has left me feeling very distastefully bitter. I have said this time and again, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record I will say it again – but I don’t find myself being able to hope any more. I don’t know how to even visualize myself with a baby anymore. I can’t picture a baby in my arms. I can’t picture a baby crawling on the floors of this house. I can’t picture us getting baby furniture. Or maybe I just stopped picturing it all.

Then I read Mamasoon’s blog post, where she asks us all to tell her what we really really want. I opened the comment box, and it struck me how numbed my “wants” have become. I had to take myself back in my head to years ago, to when I used to dream about having babies, or *gasp* DARE to have a preference of a boy or a girl!

It may be a “Grapes are sour” syndrome that I’m suffering from, but right now, I am actually wondering if I even want a baby at the end of all this. There, I said it! I don’t know if I want a baby any more. I have let myself get so entrenched in the cycles of TTC, and in getting on the schedule all the time, that in the process, I seem to have lost the softer side of a desire for a baby.

Where am I in terms of this FET, and with our decisions? In limbo. And to add to the complexity of 8 years of TTC and repeated failures and losses, I now am very strongly distrustful of my body. I met a couple of dear friends on Sunday and as we were talking about my next steps, I said: “I am probably tending towards a gestational carrier because my body will not be able to screw up that pregnancy.” I don’t really know how to proceed ahead right now. I suppose things will fall in place over the next few weeks / months, and I should let that happen and not start trying to imagine scenarios right now.

I did start looking out for jobs pretty aggressively. I had one interview last week, and I got an offer. It was not a great role or salary or company, and I’m not excited about it much, but yes, I am very grateful that I got an offer so quickly in this economy. I’m also very happy that I was able to sustain the interview without falling apart thinking about the last year. I may not take this job, but it did help me with restoring my confidence a little. Now, if only I can get something a little more decent, I'd be very very happy!

Decision Time.

We are back from Denver. Things went well as far as the hysteroscopy was concerned. Dr. Schoolcraft said he didn’t expect to see any scar tissue or adhesions, but he wanted to make sure for himself, just in case he was wrong. He was right, there were no adhesions or scar tissue in the uterus. They did another 3-D u/s after the hysteroscopy. The size, shape, volume of my uterus all looks good.

Then we sat with Dr. Sch to hear his recommendations and to discuss next steps. He strongly feels we should give my uterus a fair enough try, and that we should not start considering a gestational carrier at this point.

I asked him if the D&Cs that I’ve had in the last couple of years could be causing my lining to be thin, and he agreed. He said about 10% women get impacted by D&C procedures and the effect shows on the lining being thin, and it does appear to be the case with me, and that I just had some “bad luck” in being part of that 10%. (Of course I told him it was just “more bad luck” because I seem to fall on the “bad luck” side of things way too often.)

He also said that he would be willing to do a transfer in my case even if we can get the lining up to 6mm to 6.5mm. He doesn’t think my uterus will make a lining thicker than that anymore. He said he’s seen pregnancies occur even with a lining as thin as 5 mm, but those are pretty rare (and I guess that would require an inordinate amount of luck, which we all know I do not have). He also said he looked back at my records, and he said they should have noticed this from the beginning, but somehow overlooked it. This is what has been recorded:

Sep 2008 (When I went for my 1 day work up) I was on CD8 and my lining was 2.9mm. He said that should have been the first indication that we could have potential problems with lining. Usually by CD8, women have linings much thicker than 2.9 mm.

Jan 2009 – During my IVF stim phase, right before ER. The thickest my lining got to was 6mm. This with the tons of estrogen in my body, and with all the stim injections pumping everything up. That was another indication

Feb / March 2009 – Prepping for FET. The best we got to was 5.4mm.

With this history over the last 6 months, he doesn’t think I will end up with anything much thicker, and if I get even 1 mm over 6 or 6.5, that will be “icing on the cake”.

So I should be excited, right? Dr. Schoolcraft is giving me hope. He, the wizard of IF, who has given several people very straight shooting advice to stop trying with their own eggs or their own uterus etc. Instead of telling me to give up trying, he dismissed my suggestion of using a surrogate, saying I need to give my uterus another chance before I move on with those decisions. So I should be relieved and excited, right?

I’m not.

Because this leaves the decision back on us. Now we need to decide if and when we want to try again. I asked the nurse, and she looked at the dates and told me if I try with my next cycle, it would be around the end of April when we get to do a transfer.

I’m confused. On the one hand I need to close this chapter one way or another and move on with my life. I’ve put too much on hold for way too long. On the other, with every week and every month, we’re depleting more and more of our savings, and coming closer to a huge financial crisis in our lives. We need to get an income coming into the house very soon. The company DH launched is not generating any revenue yet, and while that may suddenly change and become a revenue generating company, we can’t sit and wait for it to happen. Therefore I need to step out and find a job immediately. And honestly, I don’t think I can really start a job and be prepping for a FET within the first few weeks on the job.

DH has some valid points as well. He feels that at least right now we have the hope of a transfer in the future. Supposing we do the FET and it fails, or I get pregnant and I miscarry, I will be in a much worse mental condition than I am right now. And with that mental condition, I may not even be able to find a job, and get anything back on track.

Also, achieving a pregnancy is not the goal. The goal is to sustain the pregnancy and have a baby at the end of it. Right now, with all the financial stress I’m under, it may not be a right time for me to be pregnant anyway. Yes, shocking realization, but the point is, with every month, we have been digging deeper into our savings. Had I got pregnant months ago, things would have been totally different. But with one thing after the other happening, we kept having to wait month after month after month.

So, as difficult as it is, I think our decision is clear. I need to get some other parts of my life back on track, and put this FET on hold for a few months, while I look for jobs, find something, get my brain, and my bank account a little more in control.

I know I’m sounding very calm and collected and mature about this decision. But believe me, I’m feeling far from that. There is nothing that I want more than to complete this cycle, and hopefully be pregnant and put the last 8 years behind me.

I had a big meltdown on the flight back from Denver last night. Thankfully it was a flight at night, and the lights were turned off, and I hope passengers in the rows in front and behind me couldn’t hear me sobbing. I don’t want to not be able to do FET right now next month, but I don’t have an option. I am very angry with DH for saying these logical things to me, and making me think practically. Yes, of course, one needs to be sensible, but what does one do when one doesn’t WANT to be sensible?

I don’t want to stop TTC, even for a few months, but I have to. So I have reached out to a bunch of people this morning, asking them for leads on jobs. For any of my readers from the Bay Area, CA - please let me know if you can help me with my job hunt. We can discuss it offline, and I can send you my resume. I will be much obliged for any help that I can get.

Hysteroscopy scheduled

Drug free – yay, I’m drug free!! So THIS is what “normal” feels like! I’d almost forgotten what it’s like to not have to take ANY drugs at all! (OK – but for my BP meds)

I have even stopped my pre-natals and folic acid for now. I took permission from the nurse of course, and I told her I really wanted to live a few days without having to take anything TTC related.

And I also have some updates on our next steps. On Wednesday, after calling the cycle off, DH and I spoke. We talked about how soon we want to move on with hysteroscopy and regrouping with the doctors etc. And we decided that we would do the hysteroscopy and regroup now, fresh off of the lining issue, and based on the findings of the hysteroscopy, we will decide when and how we want to proceed further.

So yesterday I emailed the nurse asking her if I needed to wait for AF to schedule the hysteroscopy. Considering my lining is so pathetically thin anyway, it didn’t make sense to me to wait to schedule it in the first half of my next cycle (Hysteroscopies are scheduled between CD5 and CD11 so that the uterine lining is not too thick). She checked with Dr Sch and confirmed back that I could schedule my hysteroscopy immediately if we want to. Also, if we were scheduling it, I need not get onto the progesterone suppositories to bring on AF.

Today we got everything scheduled. We are going to Denver on Tuesday. I have my hysteroscopy scheduled for the afternoon. After the procedure, Dr. Schoolcraft will spend some time with DH and me, going over the findings and his suggestions for next steps.

If he says it’s something that can be fixed easily, then they will try and squeeze everything in during that trip itself. i.e. If I have to have surgery, we will stay on in Denver for a couple of days and get the procedure done. We already have a hotel room booked (which we have been postponing week by week for the last month or so) {Remember my $34 a night hotel deal?? That’s the one I’m talking about!}

If he finds nothing wrong with the uterus, then we will discuss with him what our next steps should be. If we don’t have to stay for any further procedures, we fly back the same night.

In the meantime, I have started reaching out within my network to see if there are any jobs available. I’m feeling a little better mentally, and yes, now, when I look back, it was the right thing to do to call off the cycle. Thank you all of you for your support the other day. It's relieving to know everyone agreed that I wasn't being foolish calling the cycle off.

Called off........

We called it all off. Yup – that’s right. We’ve pulled the plug on this cycle, and have decided to step aside for a bit.

Why? I was doing my normal injections / patches / suppositories / acupuncture routine, and what happened suddenly? Well, we spoke with our nurse today at CCRM. We asked her a few questions and asked her to check with Dr Schoolcraft for his opinion.

a) What did Dr Schoolcraft think of my lining and the miserable progress it was making?
b) What could be the effects (on me) from being on Lupron for so long? (This is now my 7th week on Lupron)
c) What could be the effect of long term Lupron, long-term estrogen, and yet a thin lining on the outcome of the transfer itself.
d) On Monday – if my lining reaches say 7mm, would they still keep me on medication for as long as it takes to get the lining up to a minimum of 8mm?

Remember that last week Dr. Schoolcraft wasn’t there, and Dr. Surrrey had taken the call to keep me going? Well, this Monday, my nurse wasn’t there, and the back up nurse had called with instructions. So for the last 2 calls from CCRM, it wasn’t the same 2 people taking the call and making the call.

My nurse said she would discuss with Dr Sch one more time and call back. She would also tell Dr Sch that I think it may be my uterus developing scar tissue after the surgery, because I’ve never had a lining problem before.

So she spoke with Dr Sch and called back. Dr Sch said that if we think my uterus could have scar tissue, the only way to find out would be to do a hysteroscopy and check. And she asked him what effect the long term use of Lupron could have on the outcome of this transfer, and he said our option was to stop the cycle now, because obviously there was some sort of an issue. My E2 was already pretty high (almost 1300 last week) and my lining was way too thin for that level of E2.

When the nurse called back, I decided to quit. This cycle has been stressful enough already. I was sure I did not want to deal with rushing into transfer based on emotions, while knowing fully well that my lining really is not adequate, and even if we get the lining to a thicker place, my hormones are messed up. More so, mentally, my stress levels are way too high. Given this, if the FET failed, CCRM could just say that it was because I had had to prep my lining for so long, or that I had been on Lupron for so long etc.

I don’t want to waste my embryos – just getting genetically normal embryos is a huge uphill task for us. They are way too precious to be wasted on a cycle that is not turning out to be ideal. I don’t want to take any chances – and I don’t want to have to deal with any regrets later. And if I went ahead with this cycle, and it if it didn’t work, I would have regretted it for sure.

So I quit.

What now? Now I get on to the lovely progesterone suppositories to bring on AF. Once AF is here, we will probably plan to go to Denver for the hysteroscopy. We could wait for a cycle or two, but I think doing the hysteroscopy now will help us be able to plan ahead. If there is scar tissue, then we need to ask Dr Sch what he plans to do. If there isn’t then we can decide if we want to try for another cycle and just hope that my lining this cycle was just a fluke of a cycle.

I am feeling strangely liberated. Relaxed. I don’t know if I’m relaxed because I don’t have to do those meds anymore and the stress of this cycle is gone, or because FINALLY I got to control something!!!??? Perhaps a little of both. I was so tired of feeling completely out of control – pretty much the entire last 12 months. It was feeling like I was living on instructions from doctors, and there was NOTHING that I could decide and do on my own. It felt good to take a call on something.

Yes of course, in the last 4 hours since that call, I have asked DH 400 times if he thinks I made the right decision. I’ve doubted my decision many times, and right now is when I have to do my Lupron shot. I’m sitting here, not doing it. I hope it’s the right decision…..

And the roller coaster continues

I'm here. Hanging in there. I think I needed to vent, and get my feelings out on paper yesterday. Thank you all for the hugs and support. Although I'm sad to realize that so many of you get what I mean, because you've been there yourselves, yet, it is comforting to know that so many of you get it. 

DH took me out for dinner yesterday, we spent some time talking. I know he gets it, and I know he would do anything to make me happy, but I also know that nothing can fix this pain - not till we come to the end of our journey, either with a baby, biological or otherwise, or after having closed this chapter entirely.

Many of you suggested antidepressants and counseling. I will look into it if need be. For now, I want to try and focus on the positives in my life, and try and make myself come out of my funk. 

I went for my u/s this morning. I was so sure my stubborn stuck lining would still be at 4.9mm, and even my RE smiled a sorry smile when he walked into the room and saw me sitting there. But lo and behold - my stubborn lining is waking up! It measured 5.4 mm today, and is finally even showing the tri-phasic pattern. 

So I'm back to my routine of Estrace suppositories, Delestrogen injections, Vivelle patches, acupuncture and I go back in one week for blood work and u/s. Back to my next one week installment of this FET cycle! 

I'm happy that my lining moved, even if it means another week of hanging on to whatever little hope I can muster. 

My next u/s is next Monday, which is also my 38th birthday. It could be a happy birthday for me, or it could end up pushing me into a funk again. We'll see. I've been on Lupron since 1/27 - I'm ready to get off it now - one way or another! 

Full disclosure

Warning: This post may turn out to be too dark and depressing for many people. If you’re in a low place, don’t read this post.
If after reading this post, you feel the urge to comment saying “Stay positive”, please consider not leaving me a comment. I don’t want to be told to stay positive anymore. It just makes me feel like more of a failure – I try to stay positive and I fail at even doing that!

Several people read my blog. Some I have known since elementary and high school. Some I went to college or grad school with. Some I made friends with after college. Some I “met” online on message boards or in the blogosphere. Some I met in real life through the IF community. I am finding it easier to confess / admit my dark emotions to people in the blogging world, and to those that I met through the IF community than to my other friends who have known me from before my infertility.

For people that have known me from before I became this manic-depressive miserable failure of a person, it’s hard for me to admit my state of mind. Every time someone asks me “How are you?”, I answer “I’m ok.” I wonder how it would be if I really started venting saying “I’m not ok”.

Many of you have told me I’m a strong woman. I’m not feeling that strong anymore. I’m feeling like I’m in such a dark place right now, and I have no idea how to get out of there.

I find myself wanting to say no to every invitation, every hint of getting together with friends. On the rare occasion that I do agree to go and meet up with people, I find myself projecting my strong face. I have a strong face that I show to people, I laugh, joke, kid about things. And then I come home. My silent empty home. Back to my failures and deep dark abyss of not knowing what to do.

And then there’s the face of me that I see in the mirror everyday. I see a lonely, sad, lost, spent and tired person looking back at me. The face that wants to just give up, and by give up I don’t mean I want to give up on TTC. I want to give up on life. Everything seems like too much of an effort. I’m just tired of living. That’s it. Sometimes, I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just die.

I feel like such a failure. In every aspect. I feel like a failure as a woman. I feel like a failure as a daughter, wife, daughter in law. I feel like a failure in my career. I feel like a totally crumpled person. 

My zodiac sign is Pisces. Many many years ago, I remember reading somewhere about the symbolism of the zodiac signs. Pisces has 2 fishes – in opposing direction. And in the description it had said that Pisces are governed by two driving forces: One that fights and swims upstream, and one that just goes with the flow and ends up downstream. Sometimes a Piscean has to struggle very hard to keep swimming upstream, against the odds.

I’m reminded of that symbolism very often. I kept telling myself I’m doing my best to swim upstream. There is adversity in life, yes. And I’m trying to not get swept away by it. But of late, every force in my life seems to be very strongly pushing me downstream. I don’t have the energy, the strength or even the will left to fight and swim against the odds. I’m feeling very defeated right now.

People say I should stay positive. They don’t live my life. They don’t tell me how I should stay positive. Or even why I should stay positive. What has staying positive brought me? I have nothing to show for each time I have picked my broken spirit up from the floor and gone ahead strongly to my next step. I have nothing to show for each time I have been strong and have endured one failure after the other. I have nothing to show for anything.

Yet, what people see is a smiling face. I get so many comments on my pictures on FB that I look young or pretty or relaxed, or how I’m “smiling through life”. Why can’t my outside face look like what my inner person feels like? My inner person feels like sh** - why don’t people see that?

I’m scared. I’m so scared of everything in my life right now. I’m scared of where my career has gone. I’m scared that it will never recover. I’m scared that my FET won’t work. Hell, I’m even scared that it WILL work. I’m scared of being pregnant. I’m scared of what problems are going to crop up next for me to deal with. I don’t trust my body to carry a pregnancy through safely. It had 3 chances, and it failed to “deliver” on all three. I’m scared of what I’m doing to my body with all the hormones and medications I’m pumping into it. I’m scared of where I am physically, emotionally and financially.

I’m terrified of life and of living, and I don’t know what to do.

Stubborn lining, hopeful clinic!!!

My post title sounds like "Crouching tiger, hidden dragon" or something! 

Well - here we are. Lining is still at 4.9!!! I don't know what the f*** is going on now. We walked out of there today - not feeling angry or disappointed or upset or anything. Both DH and I are feeling tired and resigned. I don't have the stamina to keep plowing on anymore. 

I'm tired of making plan B all the time, and then having to follow plan B because plan A never works out! I'm tired of putting my life on hold and living on weekly installments from one appointment to another, from one shot to another, from one disappointment to another. In the process we are wiping out our savings, and creating another crisis in our lives. 

The nurse called from CCRM and said Dr Surrey reviewed my case today as Dr Schoolcraft wasn't in. Dr. Su wants to give it another week. He apparently had a "difficult" patient like me, and her lining grew eventually. I told the nurse I didn't want to wait a week before knowing the outcome, so we decided to do an u/s on Monday next week instead of Thursday. 

On Monday, if my lining is still hanging where it is, she is talking to Dr Schoolcraft and we're taking a final decision. Dr Sch will be in on Monday. 

I don't even know how to react now. The ONLY reason I have agreed to try this one last time is because I have all the drugs available at home, so there's no extra effort or expense or craziness involved. 

No I'm not upset or anything, even now. I'm just plain fed up. Sick and tired, fed up and ready to move on with my life. I'm turning 38 in a few days. I NEVER thought this is how my life would be 8 years ago when we started out TTC. 

Awards

Award # 1

Sue, Bunny and Margelina nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award and I think I must be the last person in the blog world to come around to writing the honest scraps. EVERYONE has done it recently! :-) 

So here goes:

The Rules: 

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. 

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 honest things about myself:

1) Nikki is not my real name. My real name is a Sanskrit word which means "the moon". It's a short name, and thankfully doesn't get very twisted in America!

2) My DH spoils me. Rotten. I admit - I am completely spoilt. And I love it! :-)

3) DH and I love watching Food Network and HGTV. We can watch these channels for hours!

4) All of my education has been in Catholic institutions. I've never been in a public education system. Catholic School, Catholic college, and even my MBA in a missionary institute!

5) My undergrad is in Biology. I had a blast at college! By far the best days of my life. Everything was so simple and easy then - no stress, nothing to worry about. Simple pleasures and so much fun!

6) DH and I came to the US in 1999, and now, when I look back, I am SO grateful I live here! If I had to deal with IF, this is the best place to do it. I have access to the best doctors, RE, resources, and I have all the privacy in the world to do my treatments. Back home, the neighbors, the neighbor's aunt, the guy across the street and his grandma - EVERYONE would be interested in what's going on.

7) I started writing my blog last year, and today, I am so glad I did. The support I get from the blogosphere is enough to get me through my toughest challenges. Through my blog I met Shelby, and she introduced me to a group of fantastic ladies, all of who are dealing with IF. This group now meets up once every few weeks, and these meetings keep me sane. We talk, share each others' progress, laugh, eat, drink (sometimes!!) and have a great time. I speak for myself - I am so grateful for these ladies, and I'm eternally thankful to Shelby for having introduced me!

8) IF has ruined my body image, and my self esteem. I quit my job in Feb last year, and now that I am thinking of getting back into the job market, I'm terrified just thinking about interviews. I can only imagine myself breaking down into tears if asked "What have you done since Feb 2008"? I have no idea how to repair my broken self esteem.

9) I know that I am mentally at the end of my rope as far as TTC is concerned. Once we are done with these 4 blastocysts - whether or not they take us to success, I'm done. I can't do this any more. I'm tired.

10) I am very scared of growing old childless.

I am not going to list blogs that I want to nominate, because, like I said, I think everyone has recently done a post on their honest scraps! If you haven't, please consider yourself nominated!!

Award # 2

Lisa nominated me for the Sisterhood Award - thank you so much Lisa! You are all my sisters, and I don't know what I would do without you ladies! 

The rules for accepting the award are as follows:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate:

1) Shelby

2) Darya

3) MLG - Believe N Miracles

4) Davs

5) Sue

6) Caroline

7) Clio

8) Momsoon

9) Mylifechronicles

10) JJ

11) Chhandita

(I know I was supposed to nominate 10 people, but I went ahead and nominated more!)

The big guns acupuncture sessions

Everything! I'm willing to try everything! And suddenly, my sunny disposition is back too! For now at least. I'm feeling more positive this week, and I hope Thursday's u/s brings good news!

I went for acupuncture on Saturday. I didn't go back to the same acupuncturist I had used last year, because from what I had read on other blogs and message boards, it didn't seem like my acupuncturist was focusing on IF too much. For example, he never put any needles anywhere on my abdomen. He only put needles in my legs and hands. This time, since I need such focussed, urgent and immediate help, I decided to look for someone different. 

 So I picked another acupuncturist, and she is much closer to home for me, and her website talked about IF all over the place.

What a world of difference! I've had 2 sessions so far, and man, her approach is SO different. She put needles on my tummy, legs, head, forehead, and hands. She put 2 little needles in my right ear as well. Then she connected come electricity to some of the needles in my tummy, and switched on some infrared type lamps. The electricity sends little tremors into the body. She turned the lights out, switched on very soothing music, and as I was drifting in and out of sleep, she stood next to me with a lit moxa stick heating my tummy. I had never seen or heard of a moxa stick before, so for others like me who don't know what it is - it looks like a lit cigar. It has a peculiar smell - sort of incense like, only more herbal. 

When I was done, she took off all the needles but for the ones in my ear. She said I should keep them on if I could tolerate them. If they bothered me, I could remove them. They aren't the regular acupuncture needles, but really tiny ones. On the outside they look like tiny bandaids, with needles on the other side sticking into my ear. I still have those on! I thought they would bother me while sleeping, but I can't even feel them. When I wash my hair, I put cling wrap on my ear, tape it up and take a shower! :-)

I went back to her yesterday, and she did all the same stuff as she did on Saturday, and in addition, she did acupuncture on my back (errrr - my butt actually). I've never heard of butt acupuncture and I told her that. She said it's usually used to help people with kidney issues, but since the pelvic region is behind the butt, she wanted to make sure I got energy from both sides! 

Bunny had mentioned someone told her to have "bone soup" to make a thick lining. DH even made me some Paya (it's an Indian/Pakistani soup made from goat trotters). I usually hate it, but I asked him to make it and I ate it for 2 meals, just in case it actually helps! 

Like I said - I'm willing to do EVERYTHING. And with all of this, and estrace suppositories, and delestrogen injections, and vivelle patches, my lining had better be thickening up!!

I see the acupuncturist tomorrow, and I have my u/s on Thursday. Let's see what news Thursday brings. But I'm feeling a stronger positive vibe. I hope my gut is right. 

Lisa - thanks for the award. I will write about it tomorrow, along with the 300 honest scraps that I still have to write! I've been so bad with awards lately - I'm so sorry, but I will do it tomorrow for sure!