Monday, March 9, 2009

And the roller coaster continues

I'm here. Hanging in there. I think I needed to vent, and get my feelings out on paper yesterday. Thank you all for the hugs and support. Although I'm sad to realize that so many of you get what I mean, because you've been there yourselves, yet, it is comforting to know that so many of you get it. 

DH took me out for dinner yesterday, we spent some time talking. I know he gets it, and I know he would do anything to make me happy, but I also know that nothing can fix this pain - not till we come to the end of our journey, either with a baby, biological or otherwise, or after having closed this chapter entirely.

Many of you suggested antidepressants and counseling. I will look into it if need be. For now, I want to try and focus on the positives in my life, and try and make myself come out of my funk. 

I went for my u/s this morning. I was so sure my stubborn stuck lining would still be at 4.9mm, and even my RE smiled a sorry smile when he walked into the room and saw me sitting there. But lo and behold - my stubborn lining is waking up! It measured 5.4 mm today, and is finally even showing the tri-phasic pattern. 

So I'm back to my routine of Estrace suppositories, Delestrogen injections, Vivelle patches, acupuncture and I go back in one week for blood work and u/s. Back to my next one week installment of this FET cycle! 

I'm happy that my lining moved, even if it means another week of hanging on to whatever little hope I can muster. 

My next u/s is next Monday, which is also my 38th birthday. It could be a happy birthday for me, or it could end up pushing me into a funk again. We'll see. I've been on Lupron since 1/27 - I'm ready to get off it now - one way or another! 

24 comments:

Lisa said...

Nikki - good to hear from you! I am so glad your lining is moving! OMG - if I was on lupron that long, I am not sure what I would be doing - the meds make me crazy.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Anonymous said...

Thick Lining Vibes to you

What IF? said...

At last! A bit of good news to pull me out of my own funk. I'm so happy for you that the stubborn lining is getting the message and moving in the right direction. Lupron is the devil - makes me crazy too. I hope Monday is a happy 38th birthday, with continued good news on the lining front.

Jill M. said...

Wahooo!!! I hope you get a great lining for your bday!

Fashionably Infertile said...

Nikki..I am really glad your lining is moving in the right direction. I give you HUGE props for being on lupron for this long. If my EPP cycle does not work I will be doing a lupron depot cycle (3 months of lupron) to treat my endo. I honestly don't think I can handle it. I hope you had a fantastic dinner. Your DH sounds like a sweetie. If you ever want to chat about antidepressants or counseling..email me. I have too much experience ;)

JJ said...

Excellent that your lining is finally waking up. I'm still sending thickening vibes your way. Thinking nothing but good thoughts for you. xxx

momsoon said...

Right on!!! Great to hear your good news...I hope it continues and you get your bday wish!!!!
keep us in the loop-ron!!! Eww, that was bad.
No, for real, we are here and we get it, my post today talked about my dh & I discussing this very stuff- you will be ok one day, and for now the people who love you and the people who get it (us) will help you through...

nancy said...

WOOHOOO!!! Here's to your lining waking up!

Lorraine said...

A month of lupron will wreck anyone - just keep your eyes on the prize! I think the length of a CGh cycle just makes it practically unbearable, but you've made it so far already.

Tell that lining to keep going! (Maybe the nice dinner did the trick?)

Chhandita said...

Good news Nikki.. sorry for not commenting earlier, not been feeling too well...

Mallik put in Rs51 in the hundi... hope the blessings reach you soon...

strongblonde said...

nikki, so glad to hear that you have an increase in lining. i remember when i was losing my mind about lining i would look for anything.... eg: does having an orgasm potentially increase endometrial lining? does sleeping at an incline help? what about uterine massage? i was really reaching. i hate that we don't understand it more and that it doesn't respond the way it's supposed to.

thinking lots about you and sending good thoughts your way!

xoxo

Anonymous said...

Nikki,

Great news.. As I was advised by my IVF specialist, please talk to a counselor, because they are trained in handling women's issues. At this point of time, you also need a trained person who can handle the pharmacological mayhem that your body and brain is going through.

There is nothing wrong with talking once or twice and getting advise with someone who is trained in human psychology.

Love,
well wisher.

Sue said...

I am so happy to hear that your lining has started to improve! Okay, maybe you just have to work a little harder than some at this stage (maybe it is b/c of the surgery) but a month of lupron? ouch. Is DH still alive? :-P

If you feel you need meds or counseling, pursue it, but, to be honest, nothing in your post suggested that you were in a dangerous place or anything. Its just admitting you have pain and disappointment and fear. Um, normal. So, let it out, we will listen and comment (and support) and then move on with whatever you need to do! We've ALL felt that wat at some point. Its a dark place. So what.

MamaSoon said...

Great news! Thicken lining thicken!

Happy Early birthday!

mlg- believe-n-miracles said...

YAY Nikki's lining, keep on thickening! That is a really strange cheer in most circles, isnt it?
I am glad that you went to dinner and talked with hubby, you guys have been through alot, it is nice to know that hubbys "get it" they really do.

Jewels said...

I hope you get your nice lining for you Birthday.
When is your Birthday? Mine is the 20th.
Anyway, Just want you to know I'm still reading what you write and thinking of you always.
(((Hugs)))

Linda said...

I've been stalking you over at IVF Connections and even tried to PM you but your PM is turned off. But I am so glad to hear that your lining is improving! Yay! What a rollercoaster ride! I hope you get a really nice "present" on your birthay!! :)

margelina said...

I'm so glad youruterus FINALLY decided to cooperate here! Yay for you!!!

Clio said...

I'm starting to think that there's a pattern to your cycle. It always seems like everything is lost, and then, something good happens. Something that saves the day. So... if this keeps going this way... it could actually be it. You may actually get pregnant and have a baby out of this one. But it will drag you through hell until you get that BFP...
hmmmm.....just a thought...

Anonymous said...

WOOOHOOO!!!
It's so great your lining is moving up! Next week it's going to be even better, you'll see!
I think about you every day and wish you all the thick lining vibes ever!
Just focus on those perfect blasts that are waiting for you to be ready so they can snuggle in for 9 months!
Kaila xxxxxxx

Sky said...

Woot Woot Woot!

Awesome news! Whew! Slow but steady wins the race. Maybe now your silly lining has woken up and realized it's gotta get to work and keep plumping up. :)))

Sarang said...

Nikki, I just read your previous blog where you wrote so honestly about the low place you've been in. And no wonder. You've been batted around and anyone would be feeling low. It is so natural. If you were in some "happy, happy" state that would be abnormal. What you and your DH are going through is hard. Very hard.

I just had my first 1-on-1 therapy appt. I've done group support, but never solo. I just wanted to "bolster" myself in case of a failed IVF. It went well and I've signed on for a few more sessions.

I don't know if this is something that's right for you, but it may be something to consider.

Please call me. Anytime. I mean it.

...and yeah on lining thickening up a bit!

Jill M. said...

Hi Nikki,

Thanks for your comment on my blog. To answer your question, no, I don't live in CA, that's just where the lab is that processed my e-tegrity test. But if I did live there, I would have loved to meet up with you! I am heading to Laguna Beach March 20, but I think that is quite a drive from the bay area.

Lisa said...

Hi N - just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.