Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Blogoversary and me...

I apologize for my silence. I am usually not the quiet type of person. I talk talk talk all the time, and my need to express myself is pretty high. But the last week (or couple of weeks) has been very exhausting. It’s taking me a long time to process my thoughts and feelings, and even at the end of processing everything, I’m not sure of my thoughts and feelings.

To begin with – it’s my blogoversary today. I started my blog on 3/24/08 – I wrote a couple of introductory posts and then disappeared till July. So July was when I really started writing regularly, but this blog was created a year ago today.

And as I look back over the year, I realize I’m still in exactly the same place. It’s like being on a treadmill. You run, you’re tired, but physically you’re stationary. You’re in the same place. I’m totally tired and worn out, but nowhere near where I imagined I would be. Almost everyone I know in real life is one of the following:

a) Pregnant
b) Has just delivered a baby
c) Has a child (or two or even three)
d) Not in TTC mode (yet)

Me? Here is where I am:

e) None of the above

The whole experience has left me feeling very distastefully bitter. I have said this time and again, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record I will say it again – but I don’t find myself being able to hope any more. I don’t know how to even visualize myself with a baby anymore. I can’t picture a baby in my arms. I can’t picture a baby crawling on the floors of this house. I can’t picture us getting baby furniture. Or maybe I just stopped picturing it all.

Then I read Mamasoon’s blog post, where she asks us all to tell her what we really really want. I opened the comment box, and it struck me how numbed my “wants” have become. I had to take myself back in my head to years ago, to when I used to dream about having babies, or *gasp* DARE to have a preference of a boy or a girl!

It may be a “Grapes are sour” syndrome that I’m suffering from, but right now, I am actually wondering if I even want a baby at the end of all this. There, I said it! I don’t know if I want a baby any more. I have let myself get so entrenched in the cycles of TTC, and in getting on the schedule all the time, that in the process, I seem to have lost the softer side of a desire for a baby.

Where am I in terms of this FET, and with our decisions? In limbo. And to add to the complexity of 8 years of TTC and repeated failures and losses, I now am very strongly distrustful of my body. I met a couple of dear friends on Sunday and as we were talking about my next steps, I said: “I am probably tending towards a gestational carrier because my body will not be able to screw up that pregnancy.” I don’t really know how to proceed ahead right now. I suppose things will fall in place over the next few weeks / months, and I should let that happen and not start trying to imagine scenarios right now.

I did start looking out for jobs pretty aggressively. I had one interview last week, and I got an offer. It was not a great role or salary or company, and I’m not excited about it much, but yes, I am very grateful that I got an offer so quickly in this economy. I’m also very happy that I was able to sustain the interview without falling apart thinking about the last year. I may not take this job, but it did help me with restoring my confidence a little. Now, if only I can get something a little more decent, I'd be very very happy!


bunny said...

happy blogoversary, congrats on the job offer!

hope that you find peace and happiness soon. thinking of you!

Sticks and Stims said...

Hey N - I know what you mean. we have not been trying as long as you have so I cannot imagine the depths you have been to - but somedays I do not want it either. I swear, our minds and these hormones do horrible, horrible things to us.

I am glad that you are blogging - I have missed your posts.

Congrats on the job offer - do whatever you think is right.

Darya said...

I am so sorry you are where you are today. I'm sorry your pain is so bad that you can no longer 'picture' what you want. I'm so sorry all of this sucks so bad.

DAVs said...

I'm sorry things are so bad right now. I know it's a dark place and I wish I had any comforting words, except to say you're not alone. Good luck with the job search.

Sarang said...

Whenever you need me, I am here for you. If you need a long chat, a good cry, or a good laugh (I can be quite a "character" as you found out :), I am here for you.

I think this space and time you are allowing yourself, this break, is a very good thing. Time away from the meds, time off the revolving treatment treadmill. Time to focus some energy on you.

I think this break can help clear some things and help you see which path you would like to follow next.

Much love.

banditgirl said...

I really feel and felt your exhaustion and pain on Sunday and I feel like, how could you not feel exhausted and pained after all this you've been through? It's unimaginable to most people "out" there. I hope, therefore, that you can take a break from even thinking about this (planning, constructing, designing the next steps, etc.), and it sounds like just a couple of days of not talking about it between you and DH has been quite a relief. Take the time you need. Vent as much as you need. Hopefully that can help you move along this journey and take the next step whenever you are ready, and whatever that next step may be. In the meantime, I hope I get to see you more as well as the other M-Sistas, with some good pizza!

Anonymous said...

Glad you posted Nikki.. I hope and pray that this break from TTC is just what you need now..in my fondest dreams may be a 'oops' pregnancy for you now! God knows you deserve it..

Hugs and Prayers as always

Sue said...

I totally understand how you feel. I am in this exact place. Cannot picture myself pregnant or us with a baby anymore and I am getting to where I think I am talking myself into not wanting one anymore!!! How did I do that? is that a defense mechanism? I'm sick of everyone talking about their kids ALL THE TIME. So, I do understand. I am still plugging along forward (mostly b/c I am afraid to hit 40 or 43 and regret that I had this chance and blew it), but I have noticed that hope is almost gone. My question is, does that make all I am doing useless? Doesn't everyone say that positive thinking will get you what you want?

cady said...

i know what you mean. i have my beta tomorrow, and i'm scared to death because i can't picture myself as pregnant. i've had so many negatives, i don't know what it would be like to get a positive.

Misty Dawn said...

Happy blogoversary! congrats on the not so great job offer, but its something I suppose.

I've missed you.


Miss Tori said...

Congrats on 1 year of blogging. How sad is that though, that we're are congratulating each other for blogging about something that no one should have to go through.

I'm hurting for you right now, as I know you have suffered great disappointment after disappointment. Life really isn't fair, just or a bed of roses.

The only good thing that I'm seeing right now is that you have a couple of good embies on ice, and you have some time to decide what you want to do. It may not be what you ultimately wanted (to carry your own child), but it may still get you your end result ~ your own child. I really do wish you success in this quest. It may take a while, but I do think it will happen for you.

I'm glad we met, even if it were under not so great circumstances. You've been a great support not only to me, but many other ladies in this IF world. I'm sure that all of us want to be able to support you as you have us. Just let us know if there is anything we can do. Heck, I'd even drink a virtual margarita for you, if it helps! :-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Nikki,
I was beginning to wonder where you were these last few days.... I have been thinking about u.
Congratulations on the job offer, it's definately a good sign in this horrible economy that you were able to get an offer so soon!
On the side of TTC I understand what you mean however I would give your body another chance.
I felt very unhappy with my body wondering how can I possibly not be able to conceive AND not be able to carry a pregnancy if I was lucky enough to get pg through IVF.
I thought about a gestational carrier but I wanted to be able to experience being pg even though it would be extremely high risk and here I am now on strict bedrest due to my stupid incompetent cervix and contractions with still a long way to go.
I believe that you will have a baby in your arms and a little one crawling around your floors. The best advice I have is never give up on your dreams!
Lots of strong hugs,

Anonymous said...

I have missed you.
I know recapping the year must have been painful.
I think you are doing the right thing by thinking things through and trying to make the best educated decisions. I know they are not easy.
I have a hard time envisioning have a live baby to hold and bring home, and a million other things, I dont think that means that we dont want it, I think we are just protecting ourselves, maybe.
Congrats on the job, that is awesome for this economy, keep going Nikki, you are doing just fine.

margelina said...

hey Nikki,
I can certainly identify with wanting something so bad, it not happening, and then realizing that maybe its not what I want anymore.
Congrats on a great interview and the job offer, even if it wasn't ideal it's definitely a start! Good luck with your continued search!

Clio said...

Nikki, happy blogoversary! Of course I'd wish you weren't here for the reasons you are. But at the same time, I'm really happy I got to know you and your blog.
I am so there with you... doubting that I even want a baby anymore (and I haven't gone through even half of what you went throughin terms of treatments). I understand you completely. So much seems pointless right now.
I've been trying for about the same time as you have, but just last year decided to go beyond the timing, temperature and OPKs.
And living all this time with our lives on hold is the worst I think. Always putting things off because we 'might' get pregnant.
Like a friend of mine said today, we have to stop living thinking about what we might do.
Congrats on the job offer. It does wonders to our self-esteem for sure. I hope that you find ways to get your self-esteem better and better.

Anonymous said...

hi nikki...i have missed you and am glad to see that you are back (happy blogoversary!). i know it's hard right now, especially when you feel so betrayed by your own body, but i still have to believe that it will get better. take time to think things out and make the decision that is right for you :)

also, congrats on the job offer! i agree, though, if you are going back to work it should be with something you really like if possible.


Jill M. said...

A treadmill sure describes this journey well and I hate treadmills. Or maybe a lab rat on a running wheel would describe it even better. Can we please get off this ride?

On a better note, congrats on the job offer, esp in this economy!

What IF? said...

I know what you mean. Making progress seems like something that only happens to other people, while we're stuck in limbo, our lives on hold. You are a terrific blogger, and I'm glad you're back. (no pressure!) Happy blogoversary.

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,
I'm sorry that you have gone through so many ups and downs on this long and difficult journey.
I am pleased that you have one job offer already, and I hope that something comes up that you really like. I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Hope you feel better. I was in the same place last year and was pretty close to losing it. I did seek out help and found a good therapist who is based in SF. I would really suggest talking to a professional since insurance pays most of the bill anyway. Take care.

Linda said...

I'm sorry that you're in a bad place right now. You have been through so much! I wish that I had a magic pill I could give you to make you feel better, but all I can do is to let you know that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk. I'll PM you my email address on IVFC.

Linda aka tayloresque on IVFC