Sunday, March 8, 2009

Full disclosure

Warning: This post may turn out to be too dark and depressing for many people. If you’re in a low place, don’t read this post.
If after reading this post, you feel the urge to comment saying “Stay positive”, please consider not leaving me a comment. I don’t want to be told to stay positive anymore. It just makes me feel like more of a failure – I try to stay positive and I fail at even doing that!


Several people read my blog. Some I have known since elementary and high school. Some I went to college or grad school with. Some I made friends with after college. Some I “met” online on message boards or in the blogosphere. Some I met in real life through the IF community. I am finding it easier to confess / admit my dark emotions to people in the blogging world, and to those that I met through the IF community than to my other friends who have known me from before my infertility.

For people that have known me from before I became this manic-depressive miserable failure of a person, it’s hard for me to admit my state of mind. Every time someone asks me “How are you?”, I answer “I’m ok.” I wonder how it would be if I really started venting saying “I’m not ok”.

Many of you have told me I’m a strong woman. I’m not feeling that strong anymore. I’m feeling like I’m in such a dark place right now, and I have no idea how to get out of there.

I find myself wanting to say no to every invitation, every hint of getting together with friends. On the rare occasion that I do agree to go and meet up with people, I find myself projecting my strong face. I have a strong face that I show to people, I laugh, joke, kid about things. And then I come home. My silent empty home. Back to my failures and deep dark abyss of not knowing what to do.

And then there’s the face of me that I see in the mirror everyday. I see a lonely, sad, lost, spent and tired person looking back at me. The face that wants to just give up, and by give up I don’t mean I want to give up on TTC. I want to give up on life. Everything seems like too much of an effort. I’m just tired of living. That’s it. Sometimes, I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just die.

I feel like such a failure. In every aspect. I feel like a failure as a woman. I feel like a failure as a daughter, wife, daughter in law. I feel like a failure in my career. I feel like a totally crumpled person. 

My zodiac sign is Pisces. Many many years ago, I remember reading somewhere about the symbolism of the zodiac signs. Pisces has 2 fishes – in opposing direction. And in the description it had said that Pisces are governed by two driving forces: One that fights and swims upstream, and one that just goes with the flow and ends up downstream. Sometimes a Piscean has to struggle very hard to keep swimming upstream, against the odds.

I’m reminded of that symbolism very often. I kept telling myself I’m doing my best to swim upstream. There is adversity in life, yes. And I’m trying to not get swept away by it. But of late, every force in my life seems to be very strongly pushing me downstream. I don’t have the energy, the strength or even the will left to fight and swim against the odds. I’m feeling very defeated right now.

People say I should stay positive. They don’t live my life. They don’t tell me how I should stay positive. Or even why I should stay positive. What has staying positive brought me? I have nothing to show for each time I have picked my broken spirit up from the floor and gone ahead strongly to my next step. I have nothing to show for each time I have been strong and have endured one failure after the other. I have nothing to show for anything.

Yet, what people see is a smiling face. I get so many comments on my pictures on FB that I look young or pretty or relaxed, or how I’m “smiling through life”. Why can’t my outside face look like what my inner person feels like? My inner person feels like sh** - why don’t people see that?

I’m scared. I’m so scared of everything in my life right now. I’m scared of where my career has gone. I’m scared that it will never recover. I’m scared that my FET won’t work. Hell, I’m even scared that it WILL work. I’m scared of being pregnant. I’m scared of what problems are going to crop up next for me to deal with. I don’t trust my body to carry a pregnancy through safely. It had 3 chances, and it failed to “deliver” on all three. I’m scared of what I’m doing to my body with all the hormones and medications I’m pumping into it. I’m scared of where I am physically, emotionally and financially.

I’m terrified of life and of living, and I don’t know what to do.

42 comments:

nancy said...

I know how you feel. And, I'm not going to tell you to not feel those feelings. No "stay postives" from me. Feel what you need to feel. And I say that because you seem to be in touch with your emotions and you know what's going on right now. I'm not worried about you in all all around type way. You are going through some shit right now. Such great expectations and now some lining failures. The ups and downs and unknown suck. The constant roller coaster ride. As in this cycle of yours, I have been there. The IVF where we only had to freeze - mine due to lining, yours due to the pgd. The FET which should have been so quick and then having the weeks and weeks of SHIT due to lining.

So I'm going to just sit here "with" you and agree - you have some crap in your life right now which you have a right to feel shitty about. There is no reason why you need to put a smile on your face and no need to worry about you in it right now. If we were months and months away from the shit, I'd have another thing to say, but you are in the midst of so much uncertainty.

~hugs~

elephantscanremember said...

I am very sorry. All I can offer is a virtual shoulder to cry on.

I do hope you get some comfort and things ease up for you. (I am in the same state of mind presently.)

(HUGS)

Kymberli said...

If I could, I would sit with you in the dark and hold your hand until light shines its way back on you again. I wish that I had some words that were comforting, but sometimes there is only room to say, "I understand" and just be there. I will abide with you, my friend.

Lisa said...

You are going through some really stressful times right now - it is really, really hard. I am not the same woman I was before all of this either and I do not know who I am going to be if we succeed or if we continue to fail. I do know that life is worth living and the main point of all this is to make sure that you are okay. Do what you need to do to be okay - I am so glad that you are venting your emotions but your post scared me a bit and I want to be sure that you are okay. Please update or even email me at lapmp1648@gmail.com - I will be thinking of you and know this - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. ((HUGS))

~*JaYmE*~ said...

I'm so sorry that this shit is happening to you & that you're feeling this way. You have every right. ((((HUGS))))

Anonymous said...

After reading your post, I became very concerned for your safety. Please contact a hotline or a professional today so that you'll have someone to talk to right now. No one should be alone when they are feeling this way. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Mo and Will said...

This is all just so so hard. And the ups and downs just wear you out. I think that's why i've been trying to just go through the motions as much as possible.

The whole "stay positive" mantra can become its own tyranny - yet another thing to "fail" at.

And it's a load of shit as far as I can tell - doesn't make a whit of difference in outcome. So if you're feeling positive, more power to you, but if you're not, no harm, no foul.

Like you, I've been withdrawing more and more from those not going through infertility struggles. I feel really conflicted about it, but that's where things are at right now.

I recommend anything you can do to be extra kind to yourself. warm baths, massages, support groups, therapy, seriously anything.

Because going through all this stinks. It's really really hard. And the invisibility makes it harder, I think.

I'm glad you were able to put all this into words. You're not alone. Many of us have walked (and are walking) in your shoes.

I hear you, every word, sister.

Mo

Sky said...

Sucks to feel this way - boy can I share your feelings.

And, no, being cheery and positive doesn't make your body produce more eggs, good eggs or better linings. That's just a fact. When a well-meaning girlfriend told me I should read "The Secret," I totally unleashed on her.

We all have a right to feel exactly as shitty as this awful process has made us feel.

Michelle said...

I hear you too. I'm there with you - upset in a dark room and crying in the shower.

Are you on any antidepressants? Zoloft saved my life... twice.

Fashionably Infertile said...

I am feeling your pain and understand exactly where you are in life. I am scared as well. I am down in the dumps but something keeps us going. I am going to just say that I am here to listen ...anytime you need someone!

Nichole said...

Nikki - all I can say to you is that you aren't alone in your feelings. I too feel very similar. I am sending you huge hugs and wishing there was something I could do to help you. The only thing I can offer is an open, nonjudgemental ear which you have ALWAYS! My heart is going out to you! I am so sorry.

rash said...

nikki,

i have been following your journey for a while ,i lurk on webmd...like you i am going through somedark period myself from past 3yrs due to infertility,vent howmuchever you want to,scream ,yell let out your feelings and please dont talk about giving up on life

i cant agree more with you ,failure hurts it takes out all the postives we have in life ,i will pray for you

justme said...

No words are right for a post like this..I have learned what people think the best words are sting like nothing else.

Hugs to you..

margelina said...

Nikki,
I completely get where you are right now. I am that type of person to...I need to really let myself get down low before I can make it. My dark side is so very dark, and even on my best days it is still there. And I HATE when people just expect me to "get over it" or stay positive, because that is just not how I operate.
I do feel like you are very brave to be able to put what you are feeling out there in such a way...I have things I'm dealing with right now that I don't feel brave enough to put anywhere but my own head. And I do feel more comfotable with the blogger world in many ways than I do IRL as well.
I really just wanted to tell you that I can understand those dark feelings and your need to feel that way now. One thing I am learning more and more each day is that there are so many people who do "get" it...but you only find out by opening up and letting even the darkest of things out. I'm thinking of you.

Miss Tori said...

After reading this, I can definitely relate. I want you to know that I am thinking of you. I know I can't type the right words of comfort as I am not that eloquent, but just know I am here for you.

Hugs,
Tori

Lauren said...

Oh, Nikki. I wish you lived nearby so I could give you a huge hug. It's OK to feel angry and fed up. You have every right to feel that way with all you've been through. We'll all continue to be here for you however we can.
(((((((((((((((((NIKKI)))))))))))))

Caroline said...

Nikki,
You have been through so much, and you are still going through one of the most difficult and prolonged life crisis imaginable. No matter how bad you feel right now, and how much it hurts, one thing is certain. You are not alone.
We are here for you, we care for you, and we will listen to you. We are sending you big hugs. Please don't stop expressing yourself.

DAVs said...

Nikki
After just sitting here on my couch sobbing with DH about our options, or rather lack of any options, I am right there with you. You will not hear me say "stay positive" because I am not in a position to tell you how to do it. All I can offer is that you cling to your DH, treat yourself well, and take things one breath at a time. It's all we can do.
I wish I was close enough to give you a real hug. And look at all the support you have here!

Darya said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You have every right to feel everything you feel.

I am here for you in any way I can be. ((((((HUGS))))))

MamaSoon said...

I think you can be strong and 'not ok' all at the same time. I am rooting for you even when the chips are down and we can't stand our reflection in the mirror. ((hugs))

Shelby said...

Oh, Nikki, my heart hurts for you. There is nothing that I can say except that I am always here for you and you can call me anytime you need an ear.

I agree with you. 'Stay positive' is the most minimilizing statement someone could make in this time, as if we have some control over this, and I should hope that none of us would ever think to jump to that cliche. I wish you luck for tomorrow and regardless of the outcome, I am hoping you find healing. **HUGS**

Anonymous said...

Nikki

What do you want now? Just throw caution to the wind and list all the things that you want right now..and dont stop with just a pregnancy..include your job, your dream car..just create a fantasy life for yourself..if you were God what you would give yourself.

Sometimes when I am down in the dumps I go into this fantasy world of mine and live it as though it is already there..in a wierd way it helps.

The fact is we are here..we are to live out whatever life dishes out to us..sometimes it is bloody unfair but then it never promised to be otherwise..the only thing we can do is take each other's help and make it as ok for us as possible.

I wish I was somewhere near you Nikki. To hold your hands and help manage atleast some of your fears.

Lots of love and hugs
Heavy Heart

Sue said...

I think this is the very definition of strong...feeling these things, admitting you are scared (of every eventuality) and yet constantly forcing yourself to swim upstream. That is strong...but it still doesn't help, right? Feel what you need to feel - anyone who pretends too much (so much so that it becomes who they are) isn't strong and isn't normal. You have been through so much and have every right to feel this way.

I have learned that it is so much easier to vent to the friends from our blog existence and the boards. I sometimes wish I kept my blog simply for my online friends because I am afraid that I censure myself thinking about my friend from college, or worse, my MIL who sometimes reads it...and then I realized that I need this outlet and the support these women give me, so screw the IRL friends, if I scare them off, then they weren't real friends!!! (oh, and I've scared at least one off! lol. I think it was because my blog (inner) face doesn't match the happy pretend me face she is used to seeing). HUGS! You will get through this to whatever awaits on the other side.

Tennille said...

Nikki, I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally know how you are feeling. I have been in that deep, dark place more than once since TTC. Unfortunately, there are many of us that understand all too well what you are going through.

Someone brought up a great point about antidepressants - they really can help. Lexapro helped me a ton, so maybe it's something to consider. I never dreamed that I would have to resort to antidepressants, but they truly worked for me. Big (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I have gone through this. I have asked these same questions and I have tears in my eyes. I was debating whether to write or not, but my fingers decided to type of their own accord. If it is possible please talk to a counselor. It helps.

love,

well wisher.

Brett and Audra said...

Nikki, you are awesome for even admitting that you are going through this. I think that is strong and I certainly don't have the guts to do it.

I'm thinking of you. Big Hugs!!

momsoon said...

Hey Nikki-sorry it has taken me a while to post, I am just getting caught up this morning because I too was pretty 'dark' over the weekend.

No 'stay positives' from me, just an echo of what others have said, that you are not alone, we understand, and that we are here.

My dh, after yet another friends childs bday party sat. night, tried to talk to me about how worried he was about me. He said he could feel my pain and wanted to talk to me to see if I was 'truly depressed'. That even pissed me off. Why wouldn't I be?
I don't want anti-depressants (but will if neccessary) I don't want a shrink, I want a baby.

I simply want the pain to end. I think you do too. It is not your life you want to stop. it is the pain that you have been experiencing that you want to end.

Until baby comes (however that will be) lets continue to help each other lessen the pain. Keep writing...keep venting... Peace.

mlg- believe-n-miracles said...

Nikki, from one Pisces to another I understand how you feel about trying to swim upstream. It is a constant battle. Sometimes I no longer recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror.
You are going through some really tough things right now, and the emotions are going to be all over the place, grief and anxiety can take hold of you easily and push you to places that you never thought you could go. It is okay to visit these places (to end up downstream) but there will come a time when you turn around and start swimming upstream again.

I am glad that you were able to put your feelings into words.

If you even want to chat please email. Otherwise I will abide with you. Much love friend.

InfertileMadWoman said...

Sweetie, I have walked in your shoes, and could have written your post. Life really sucks somedays, and I will not tell you to Stay Positive, only to hang in there for the possibility of a better day.

If you feel that you need to, get yourself to a doc and see about meds, but only if you really feel like you need them.

Please know that you are not a lone, and you are a very strong woman. You will get through this.

If you need anything you can look me up.

Hugs,
Rebel

Julie said...

Girlfriend, I have been to the deep pit of despair
and I'm here to tell ya I'll be waiting for you when you are done. Take your time , you are right, nothing I can say will comfort you. Been there, done that. Feel free to visit my bitter blog ;) at www.infertilityreality.blogspot.com (it's my non-friends and family infertility blog because they just don't get it) I also have an adoption journey blog www.afamilyisborn.blogspot.com

You are so not alone, for what it's worth.

Love,
Julie

email me at gemmabean@earthlink.net if/when you need more. I'm gonna be 44, been TTC for 9 years, had 3 miscarriages, been to the deep pit of despair, there is nothing I haven't seen.

Coming2Terms said...

I'd like to ditto Rebel's comment above. I'm in the Bay area. Let me know if I can help...

Jill M. said...

You vent all you need, we understand. Upon request for no encouragement, I'll just say... Hugs!

nh said...

I'm standing beside you, supporting you, because I've been there. I know that there is nothing that I can say to ease the darkness, but know that when it seems so pointless there are lots of people out here, ready to cry with you.

I have a very special friend who when I say I'm fine - asks me 'how fine?' I hope that you have someone who'll do that for you. You do not have to be strong all the time - you are allowed to show weakness.

Remember you are not alone.

Lisa said...

Thinking of you today and btw I did not reference your blog but I asked the people to read to share about their experiences - not sure if it will help you or not...I have thought about you much of the day.

Anonymous said...

There are no words that can take your darkness and pain away, if there were I would use them. I'm sorry that things have turned out this way for you and I don't think you should hide your feelings, you have every right to feel the way you do.
When I was going through my darkest times, it would help me to express my feelings, when I wanted to cry I would, if I wanted to be alone I would, if I wanted to yell at someone, I would (usually DH). When we lost our son at 20 wks in 2004 I hit rock bottom and I would spend lots of time at his grave site on my own wondering WHY?. All our subsequent IVF failures would lead me back to his grave again. I felt like my world kept falling apart over and over again but eventually I found peace.
It doesn't feel like it right now but you have lots of good things in your life and even though noone knows what the future holds, there will be light at the end of the tunnel for you.
I am here for you always, don't ever feel like you need to hold back!
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
Kaila

Lorraine said...

Dear sweet Nikki,

None of this is fair. Please know that the depth of your feelings resonates with all of us - you are so incredibly supportive and kind in your comments. I hate that your sympathy comes at such a cost, even while I treasure the words that make me feel that you KNOW how hard it can be.

It's hard to be so strong for so long - please be good to yourself each day and know that your kindness has meant so much to me.

xxx,
L.

orodemniades said...

Life can be shite. And for a damned long time, too. And spending many years tryng for a baby leaves you in a very different space from those who only try for 1-2-3 years.

I know, I've been there.

I've got a virtual shoulder for you...

Wishing 4 One said...

I really dont know what to say. This shit sucks as so many of us know and have been through it and are still going through it. It does not get easier, and it is not easy. Just know we are thinking of you, some of us are in or have been in that dark place too and it is lonely. No matter what anyone says, it does not make it any easier. Sending you some hugs from Cairo.

Linda said...

I just want you to know that I'm scared, too. You're not alone. Sending you a great big cyber hug...

Clio said...

well, Nikki, I can only say that I totally get what you're saying. I sometimes don't recognize myself in the mirror either. And then to the external world, I'm a picture of strengh and bubblyness. If I choose to show my pain it seems I'm not taken seriously, because I always seems so strong. It sucks to be always seen as so strong, because people don't offer their shoulders and laps for us to cry and cuddle in. Four days ago, I even had to hear my mom saying that i'm not the same and she's worried, but she wouldn't give me a break. She kept saying I had to take care of myself, whatever she meant by that.
This roller coaster is a dark and lonely place. But it's healthier when we aknowledge this darkness. Like what you are doing. You know it's dark. You know it hurts. So as difficult as it may be, you are still somewhat healthy, in touch with your feelings and emotions, like Nancy said.
Not everything is bad in darkness. Actually it contains many treasures, but it's freaking hard to find them or be ready to face them. At the end of the women's retreat I just went to, we were reminded that if we stare directly into the sun, we go blind. But the more we look in the darkness, the more we begin to see.
may you soon begin to find your way back to your strenght, back to yourself.
And stop hurting yourself by thinking that you are not a good wife, daughter in law, daughter, etc... We should definitely, at some point, throw expectations out the window. Even if those expectations were created by us.
hugs

Lisa said...

All I can say Nikki, is I was there. I know exactly how you feel because I felt the exact same way. This whole road is so exhausting and depressing and saps everything you have, everything that you are. Until you are left with nothing but a shell of who you once were. Even now, 4 months into this pregnancy, I'm still finding it hard to 'find' myself again. So much was lost, stolen, taken. So much is gone forever. And I am the lucky one. I made it to the other side. So I don't have a right to complain, I know that. And little by little I am taking myself back, reinventing who I am, trying to live life again. And I won't try to tell you that I don't thank god every single day for how my story ended, and I pray to god, yours ends this way too. But I know how you are feeling right now. I was there. It's not so much as how the story ends, just that it ends. I think there comes a time when, regardless of the outcome, you just need closure. You need an ending. You need to be able to move on. Before you lose youself altogether. I hope more than anything your story has a happy ending, but even more, I hope your ending, whatever it is, comes soon, and you are able to find some peace, some happiness, as you finally close this chapter and let go. I am praying, rooting, and thinking about you. You are strong. And I admire the courage it took for you to share this full disclosure -- in all its ugly glory.

twondra said...

Here from L&F. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking and praying for you. (((HUGS)))

Tammy
www.twondra.blogspot.com