I’m struggling with what and how much to tell my parents about the complexity of my IF struggles. I mean, they ~know~ we’ve been trying. They ~know~ we’ve been through “treatment”, and they know about my pregnancy losses (well – they know about the m/c and the ectopic. I didn’t tell them about my chemical pg, because my mom was stressing out a lot at the time, and later it didn’t make sense to)
They know we are seeing a doctor in Denver, and they know my “treatment” was getting postponed week by week, and they know that we called the cycle off and are now on a break from TTC. And they have been very supportive through it all. Obviously they love us and hurt for us, and obviously they find themselves helpless but still want to help.
While I keep them vaguely informed of stuff, I don’t go into too many details. For various reasons, I can’t. One reason being that there is a huge “language barrier” – no, it’s not that my parents and I don’t speak the same language. Of course we do, but my mom’s English is not that great, and I don’t know how to explain IF terms in my mother tongue. I mean, how do you say IVF or FET or Balanced Translocation in any language but English? So I sort of try and explain in as simple a way as I can – like telling them that “They take my eggs out, and they “make” embryos in the lab.” They know that our embryos are frozen right now – I don’t know how much of that they understand, but I’m ok with them not understanding everything. They don’t have to – I think it might scare them knowing all the details of our procedures.
There is also the reason of being protective towards DH and him towards me. I never told my parents about his BT. I didn’t want anyone to feel or say anything about him, even unintentionally. We have enough challenges in our lives, and really don’t want added dimensions on top of our complexities!
And then there is the whole “comfort” issue. How can I talk to my parents about vaginal ultrasounds, or DH’s sperm, or fertilization, or some of the completely shamelessly invasive stuff we go through? Some people may be comfortable talking to their parents about everything, but I never could.
So anyway, now they know that we have stopped our “treatment” in Denver. They also know that we’re looking for work, and that the economy is so tight right now. I understand that they want to help, and I don’t know how to explain to them that the best help they can extend is by staying supportive and not intruding.
Some of you may know how big astrology and horoscope reading is in India. Many marriages are finalized only when the boy’s and girl’s horoscopes “match”. Many parents get their children’s horoscopes made when the child is born. Many important decisions are taken “when the time is right.” Many ventures, and trips are started “when the stars are right.” Of course marriages happen “at an auspicious day and time.”
My parents thankfully were never the kinds who went very strictly by horoscopes. They have always been a good mixture of tradition and practicality. They didn’t even get our horoscopes made – they always told us (my siblings and me) that what we made of our lives was up to us.
So what my mother did recently shocked me, and made me realize how much of an effect my IF has on my parents.
She got our horoscopes made, and sent them to one of her friends who specializes in astrology. And she told me that she had done this. I protested. I told her it didn’t make sense. I told her it would just make me feel superstitious if my FET date didn’t match her “good dates”. And I don’t need superstition added to the mix of all my stress anyway. And I tried to tell her that. I said she could find out and keep the dates for herself if it made her feel relaxed.
Last night she told me she heard from her friend. And she proceeded to tell me that the time is good for us right now. I told her I am not going back to Denver right now – she said she meant that our time is good now for a few months, and chances are very high that I will conceive.
It’s like this added pressure you know? I mean, I’m not angry at my mom, and I’m not complaining, so don’t get me wrong. She is doing what she can do – and this is out of even her comfort zone, but she’s doing it because she’s helpless to do anything else, and she hurts for us.
But I’m struggling with how to tell her to not “pressure” us this way. Or should I just listen and keep quiet - let them assume I'm following their suggestion? What would you do? I don’t want to offend her, but I do want her to understand. Any suggestions?
A Life in Three Parts
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