Thursday, March 5, 2009

Stubborn lining, hopeful clinic!!!

My post title sounds like "Crouching tiger, hidden dragon" or something! 

Well - here we are. Lining is still at 4.9!!! I don't know what the f*** is going on now. We walked out of there today - not feeling angry or disappointed or upset or anything. Both DH and I are feeling tired and resigned. I don't have the stamina to keep plowing on anymore. 

I'm tired of making plan B all the time, and then having to follow plan B because plan A never works out! I'm tired of putting my life on hold and living on weekly installments from one appointment to another, from one shot to another, from one disappointment to another. In the process we are wiping out our savings, and creating another crisis in our lives. 

The nurse called from CCRM and said Dr Surrey reviewed my case today as Dr Schoolcraft wasn't in. Dr. Su wants to give it another week. He apparently had a "difficult" patient like me, and her lining grew eventually. I told the nurse I didn't want to wait a week before knowing the outcome, so we decided to do an u/s on Monday next week instead of Thursday. 

On Monday, if my lining is still hanging where it is, she is talking to Dr Schoolcraft and we're taking a final decision. Dr Sch will be in on Monday. 

I don't even know how to react now. The ONLY reason I have agreed to try this one last time is because I have all the drugs available at home, so there's no extra effort or expense or craziness involved. 

No I'm not upset or anything, even now. I'm just plain fed up. Sick and tired, fed up and ready to move on with my life. I'm turning 38 in a few days. I NEVER thought this is how my life would be 8 years ago when we started out TTC. 

26 comments:

mlg- believe-n-miracles said...

Damn Nikki, I hate this for you, dont give up.

DAVs said...

Well damn. I'm really sorry. It sounds like you have a decent plan in place to check it Monday instead of waiting a whole other week.
Big hugs. I know this whole process is so damn tiring and draining. If I lived nearby I'd bake you some cake balls!

momsoon said...

Tiring, draining and mind-numbingly frustrating. I wish there was more I could do for you today.

You know, they can put a damn man on the moon; we can download 1,000,000 songs onto a device the size of a pea, and yet they haven't come up with a way to thicken our uteral lining?!!!

It boggles the mind.

I do keep thinking about the facts though: those 4 normal blasts, CCRM's 80% success rates and the fact that you have been pg so many times. Those are pretty good odds in your favour.

Take it as easy as you can...thinking of you.

Lisa said...

That is so crappy, I am really sorry. I hear you with the stamina bit...

Brett and Audra said...

Nikki I've been waiting for your update all day! I just can't believe your stubborn lining...somebody needs a serious talking to. Maybe that is all you need is just a few more days. I hope so.

Big Hugs!

Tennille said...

Nikki, I am so, so sorry. I don't understand at all why things have to be so difficult. Big (((hugs)))

notesforanewday said...

This is so unbelievably cruel. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this. The only thing I can think is that maybe your body just needs a break. If your lining doesn't grow by Monday, maybe you can take a couple months off to really nuture yourself: massages, accupuncture, long naps, really good food, maybe even another weekend away somewhere warm and relaxing. I think your body will bounce back, but perhaps it and your spirit needs a well deserved vacation?

Earl Gearl said...

I'm sending you all the big, thick, juicy lining vibes I can. I hope these few days are just what you need.

Jill M. said...

You're kidding me?? Gosh, I am so sorry! I think I would have thrown in the towel and said forget it, and then start over fresh next cycle. Grow lining grow!

JJ said...

Wow, your lining has a mind of its own and is very disobedient indeed. Crazy. I'm really sorry, this just sucks. Perhaps Dr Su is right and it'll suddenly grow. I think your decision to go back on Monday and then talk to Dr Sch is a good one. There's only so much you can take of this. I agree with notesforanewday, perhaps giving your body a break and a bit (or a lot) of nurturing and pampering yourself would liven up your lining. The good news is that the major job of producing lovely eggs and embryos is done and the little guys are just waiting patiently for their new home to be ready. I know you'll get there, it's just so incredibly frustrating at this point though. Big hugs.

MamaSoon said...

Argh! I totally get how dang frustrating it is to have your body go off and do its own thing. So annoying!

I wish my nurse had told me Dr. Sch was out all weekend.

Caroline said...

Nikki - I have been thinking of you. You don't deserve this.

I don't know if this is helpful for you, but I looked up how to thicken the endometrium in Zita West's fertility book.

She recommends eating foods rich in vitamins B1 and B6 (ie. whole grains, nuts, brown rice, egg yolks, fish, poultry, legumes and seeds, and green leafy vegetables). She also recommends taking iron and coenzyme Q10, drinking plenty of wather, and using a hot water bottle to keep the abdomen warm.

I know that you have done everything possible. I will continue to think of you. Big hugs to you Nikki.

Caroline

Chhandita said...

arghhh...this is just not fair...how can the lining not grow at all in 2 weeks?

(((hugs))) I don't know what I can say that will make you feel better. I am praying for you and your DH.

Sarang said...

I am sorry it's dragging on, but glad the docs are hopeful...hang in there. I am sorry it's rough. Argh! I just want something to go easy for you. You know the "you only get what you can take line", well, I always thought it's BS. But, you...YOU are one of the strongest people I know and just maybe it's why you are getting so much right now. Stay strong, Nikki.

Lorraine said...

I know this cycle has been soooooo long, and it must be especially discouraging to have it extended and extended. But, you have great blasts waiting for you. If next month's lining could be a better environment for them, then the waiting will be so worth it.

Hang in there - I hope Monday shows the perfect cushy fluff and you don't have to keep worrying about this.

Lisa said...

Hey Nikki - I am scared my lining is too thick - it was 16 both other times and it looks like that is where it is heading - if not higher than that. I had chemicals both pregnancies and I wonder if my lining had anything to do with it - I just placed a call to my RE's office to ask even though I asked them before. Dr. Google said anything over 15 could be bad - so yes, I would LOVE to give you some of this lining if I could. Would you mind taking some of the bloat and water retention too??? :) XOXO

Sue said...

This is crazy! How is it even possible? I really really hope Dr. Su is right and you have a nice surprise on Monday...but can this be an anomaly? Not that this is fun - but if this doesn't improve, is it possible to try again? You have some beautiful healthy embies waiting for you. But, then again, I know the pain of constant disappointment and constantly putting your life on hold and I am sick of it too. So sick of it. I never imagined we'd be where we are either and have comments from people about how crazy we are to do all the radical stuff to get pregnant (and even worse, the women with kids who feel sorry for me). I think we are all just on our own paths and I am praying that yours ends with a nice thick lining and bringing some healthy embies home.

banditgirl said...

Nikki, scream and cry and resign if that's what you are feeling right now, as you just have to feel that too. But I know you will regain your strength and will be able to continue the journey, if necessary. You always have the choice of postponing things, or going ahead, and there is also the possibility of your lining growing. I still have a lot of hope for you, however you decide to go on.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nikki,
please don't give up hope! I know it's easy for me to say but I REALLY want this to work out for you! I miss you on the boards!
You are so beautiful and strong!
I'm here for you!
Kaila

margelina said...

I am just so sorry. I mean...WTF? That is just shitty and I'm angry for you!! Big (((hugs))) for you! This is just BS!

Bluebird said...

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry. That sounds thoroughly exhausting. Sucks.

Anonymous said...

Is your real name Chandini? You mentioned that your name meant moon.I've been following your story for the past few months and am so sorry that you've struggled so much.

bunny said...

Ouch! I am so sorry you didn't have more growth-- and all the acupuncture, paya and hope you put into that obstinant lining... hopefully a few more days makes the difference. Hang in there- you are really running the marathon on this one!

strongblonde said...

arg nikki! wtf? come on lining, get with the program.

i'm still holding out hope. :)

*hugs*

Tori said...

Nikki,

I know that your lining will be where it needs to be for your FET...hang in there :) I know this is a long and hard journey, but I still feel very confident that the outcome will be wonderful.

Hugs,
Tori

Caroline said...

Hey Nikki,
I just wanted to drop by and let you know that i'm thinking of you. How are you doing?