Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Decision Time.

We are back from Denver. Things went well as far as the hysteroscopy was concerned. Dr. Schoolcraft said he didn’t expect to see any scar tissue or adhesions, but he wanted to make sure for himself, just in case he was wrong. He was right, there were no adhesions or scar tissue in the uterus. They did another 3-D u/s after the hysteroscopy. The size, shape, volume of my uterus all looks good.

Then we sat with Dr. Sch to hear his recommendations and to discuss next steps. He strongly feels we should give my uterus a fair enough try, and that we should not start considering a gestational carrier at this point.

I asked him if the D&Cs that I’ve had in the last couple of years could be causing my lining to be thin, and he agreed. He said about 10% women get impacted by D&C procedures and the effect shows on the lining being thin, and it does appear to be the case with me, and that I just had some “bad luck” in being part of that 10%. (Of course I told him it was just “more bad luck” because I seem to fall on the “bad luck” side of things way too often.)

He also said that he would be willing to do a transfer in my case even if we can get the lining up to 6mm to 6.5mm. He doesn’t think my uterus will make a lining thicker than that anymore. He said he’s seen pregnancies occur even with a lining as thin as 5 mm, but those are pretty rare (and I guess that would require an inordinate amount of luck, which we all know I do not have). He also said he looked back at my records, and he said they should have noticed this from the beginning, but somehow overlooked it. This is what has been recorded:

Sep 2008 (When I went for my 1 day work up) I was on CD8 and my lining was 2.9mm. He said that should have been the first indication that we could have potential problems with lining. Usually by CD8, women have linings much thicker than 2.9 mm.

Jan 2009 – During my IVF stim phase, right before ER. The thickest my lining got to was 6mm. This with the tons of estrogen in my body, and with all the stim injections pumping everything up. That was another indication

Feb / March 2009 – Prepping for FET. The best we got to was 5.4mm.

With this history over the last 6 months, he doesn’t think I will end up with anything much thicker, and if I get even 1 mm over 6 or 6.5, that will be “icing on the cake”.

So I should be excited, right? Dr. Schoolcraft is giving me hope. He, the wizard of IF, who has given several people very straight shooting advice to stop trying with their own eggs or their own uterus etc. Instead of telling me to give up trying, he dismissed my suggestion of using a surrogate, saying I need to give my uterus another chance before I move on with those decisions. So I should be relieved and excited, right?

I’m not.

Because this leaves the decision back on us. Now we need to decide if and when we want to try again. I asked the nurse, and she looked at the dates and told me if I try with my next cycle, it would be around the end of April when we get to do a transfer.

I’m confused. On the one hand I need to close this chapter one way or another and move on with my life. I’ve put too much on hold for way too long. On the other, with every week and every month, we’re depleting more and more of our savings, and coming closer to a huge financial crisis in our lives. We need to get an income coming into the house very soon. The company DH launched is not generating any revenue yet, and while that may suddenly change and become a revenue generating company, we can’t sit and wait for it to happen. Therefore I need to step out and find a job immediately. And honestly, I don’t think I can really start a job and be prepping for a FET within the first few weeks on the job.

DH has some valid points as well. He feels that at least right now we have the hope of a transfer in the future. Supposing we do the FET and it fails, or I get pregnant and I miscarry, I will be in a much worse mental condition than I am right now. And with that mental condition, I may not even be able to find a job, and get anything back on track.

Also, achieving a pregnancy is not the goal. The goal is to sustain the pregnancy and have a baby at the end of it. Right now, with all the financial stress I’m under, it may not be a right time for me to be pregnant anyway. Yes, shocking realization, but the point is, with every month, we have been digging deeper into our savings. Had I got pregnant months ago, things would have been totally different. But with one thing after the other happening, we kept having to wait month after month after month.

So, as difficult as it is, I think our decision is clear. I need to get some other parts of my life back on track, and put this FET on hold for a few months, while I look for jobs, find something, get my brain, and my bank account a little more in control.

I know I’m sounding very calm and collected and mature about this decision. But believe me, I’m feeling far from that. There is nothing that I want more than to complete this cycle, and hopefully be pregnant and put the last 8 years behind me.

I had a big meltdown on the flight back from Denver last night. Thankfully it was a flight at night, and the lights were turned off, and I hope passengers in the rows in front and behind me couldn’t hear me sobbing. I don’t want to not be able to do FET right now next month, but I don’t have an option. I am very angry with DH for saying these logical things to me, and making me think practically. Yes, of course, one needs to be sensible, but what does one do when one doesn’t WANT to be sensible?

I don’t want to stop TTC, even for a few months, but I have to. So I have reached out to a bunch of people this morning, asking them for leads on jobs. For any of my readers from the Bay Area, CA - please let me know if you can help me with my job hunt. We can discuss it offline, and I can send you my resume. I will be much obliged for any help that I can get.

34 comments:

mlg- believe-n-miracles said...

Nikki, I dont know what to say. I know that you must be hurting right now, IF is just so unfair.
I am proud of you.
I dont want to sugar coat any of this, so I am not, just know that I am thinking of you and praying that you can find peace and clarity with your decisions.
Much love friend.

Sky said...

Nikki, you're such a good and responsible egg. I don't know that I could be as together as you are right now - and you are, whether it looks that way or not.

This just sucks. And I am not a person of faith but I do think the world often works in such strange (good strange) ways. You could wind up with a job that has excellent ART coverage and in time may develop a lining far better than what The Wizard imagines.

I wish it for you, truly.

strongblonde said...

oh nikki, that is a lot to take :( at least dr. sch is really hopeful. that always makes me feel better. and people do get pregnant with thin linings....thinking lots about you. i wish i could give you a big hug!!!

xoxo

margelina said...

Hey Nikki,
I am one who hates to hear the practical, sensible side of things and fight against it in every way possible, so I know how you feel.
I am sorry that you are having to take a break here, but am sending you many prayers that the break is short. Good luck with finding a job and getting things back on track quickly. And, hug your DH, because he seems to be everything you need right now, as much as you don't want to hear what he says. Big huge (((hugs))) to you.

Michelle said...

Peace be with you.

MamaSoon said...

I think your plan sounds like a very good one. If he says that your lining can do the trick, no harm in waiting a couple of months. I am glad you and DH are on the same page. I hope you find the job you want. In this market, please are still hiring. Good luck! Keep blogging! I took 9 months off last year (not totally on purpose as I tried to find a new doctor and actually get a cycle going) and kept blogging. :-)

Darya said...

Given Dr. S's typical straight shooter almost vulcan like attitude, I think it's GREAT news that he thinks you should try with your uterus! YAY for that!!!!

Now, with 4 frozen embies, you have time on your side. Take whatever time you need to get things in order and be in a place where you are in the perfect position to be a Mommy. You are so strong for taking this step. Know that.

Sticks and Stims said...

Nikki - I am thinking of you and I wish that there was something I could say to make it better. My DH is my human valium and always talks sense to me - I hate it quite a bit of the time!

I am feeling so similar right now - if this cycle ends up being a bust, I need to regroup. I feel like I have lost myself, my concentration, my ability to have fun - I was at lunch today with some of my friends from law school and I felt like an alien. I want and need my life back too at some point. I is hard to put that into motion when there is a chance for "instant gratification" in completing a cycle, and hopefully, having a baby.

I think your decision sounds very smart - and I admire you for making it - it cannot be easy. ((HUGS))

Fashionably Infertile said...

The good news is Schoolie has faith! The Wiz spoke his peace and I think you need to go with it. My DH is the same way right now. Wants me to get control of my health and my mind before we even think about fertility treatments. I agree with Sky, maybe you will score a stellar job w/ excellent benefits! Good luck with your job search. Check out www.indeed.com.

You will be bringing those 4 lil embryos home soon! I think being in control like we are..and not having to wait for a negative beta or another AF to arrive is actually a good thing, at least I think so. We are all set and ready to cycle...when it is our time.
It will be here before you know it.
((HUGS))

What IF? said...

Nikki, there's so much to mull over. I hope the job situation works out soon, and that you can find peace in the decision you come to regarding the FET timeline. Thinking of you.

Lorraine said...

I can tell you're so worn down after going through this delayed cycle. Maybe it's less about the job and more just a chance to regain your footing in the world. (Of course, I hope you do find the perfect job for now, but it seems like some time away from the throes of ttc would be good anyway.)

You'll have time to mull things over, with your four little possibilities waiting for you. Please keep posting, though, so we'll know how things are going. I'd miss you if you disappeared completely!

Brobe said...

Nikki, I truly feel your decision is correct. You need to take a break for a couple of months and concentrate on other things that are important to you. The great thing is that you have four normal embies that are waiting for you. All that is needed now is for you to heal both mentally and physically then get back to this when you are ready. I took a few months off after the first failure and I came back with more energy, hope, strength and confidence to start the next one and that is the best decision I've made.
Hope you get the job you want soon. GL and take care. {{{Hugs}}}

Sarang said...

Nikki, I'm sorry this can't all be easier for you. I truly wish it was.

It made me so sad to think of you crying on the plane ride back. But it does sound like you have some real positives with your Dr.'s encouragement to try again (when you are ready).

Please let me know whatever I can do. I don't remember what your work experience is in, but I am happy to help however I can.

Chhandita said...

I can totally understand how you must be feeling... having financial problems really makes life hell, at least for me...I cannot help you with the job search but will surely send all the positive energy I have towards you. This too shall pass I guess (tired of all this shit happening to you, you so don't deserve this)

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,
There is a lot to digest in your post.
In many ways it is tempting to rush into a FET. On the other hand you are being sensible by considering what is right for you and DH now.
If it is best for you to seek employment maybe there will be some additional benefits such as meeting new people, being distracted from infertility etc.

Your embryos can wait a while as you make your decision. You are doing so well. I am very proud of you.

Anonymous said...

Nikki

I think you are on the right path..I can totally understand being angry with DH for being sensible..but you are aware of it and that is great..your marriage really is a strong one..

Getting yourself financially ontrack first seems like such a sensible option..

Lots of love, prayers and hugs to you.
Heavyheart

DAVs said...

I'm so sorry you can't move forward with the FET immediately. The other life stress you have is unbearable, even without the IF going on. I really feel for you.
I guess I can only say that thank God for technology--for perfectly frozen embryos that can wait and wait and wait--even though I know you don't want to.
Big hugs and good luck with the job search.

Sue said...

It is frustrating to have the real life cut in like that. I do think it is a great thing that Sch is defnitely telling you that you should give it another shot- you are absolutely right - he doesn't mince words when he thinks a woman should use DE or a GC or is just too "old". I've heard my share of stories. So, there is hope. And, since they are frozen and normal, there is no real rush to move forward (but we all know that internally there is...). I do hope you get a great job soon and that you can move forward with this FET sometime this summer (or sooner). Please keep blogging....!

Misty Dawn said...

Like Caroline said, the embies can wait for you to be stable enough to do another FET. I know how angry this must make you to hear the sensible side of things, DH does this to me ALL the time.

Either way, FET now or FET later, if it were me, I'd still be an emotional wreck. Try and stand strong through this difficult time Nikki.

((((((HUGS)))))))

JJ said...

Nikki, I think you're doing the right thing, hard though it is. You're so worn down right now, and that fact alone makes me think a break is a good idea. Your little embies will wait for you to be ready. I agree that it's encouraging that Dr S thinks you should try with your own uterus. He'd be the very first to suggest GC if he thought it was necessary. I also understand why you're still nervous about it, having been through all you have.

This must be so hard. You've been trying for so long, much longer than most of us, and you've been through so much. I think your DH is wonderful and courageous to suggest a path that's not the most intuitive but is the most sensible. My DH says things I hate to hear, too.

Good luck with your job search and networking.

I wish I could give you a big hug in real life. xxxxxx

Dora said...

Wish I had some comforting words. This is all so hard. But I'm glad to hear your uterus looked good.

nh said...

Such a tough decision. There is nothing to say to help. My experience points to having a FET when you are not mentally ready to cope with what might follow can really, really screw you up!

Good luck with whatever happens.

mylifechronicles said...

Oh honey... you have once again proven to me that I have soo much to learn from you. You are so composed and calm and remind me time and again that WE are living our life and its not that IF is living our life. Whatever you decide to do, know that we are all here to support you through in words and ((HUGS)).

BTW, I am from Chennai.

momsoon said...

Nikki- i am so sorry.
I know all too well your dilemna and have been there. The emotional, and financial stress, and needing to get a job even tho it is the last thing we want to do. I was there not too long ago and looking for work, putting things "on hold" was hard, counter-intuitive in many ways, and yet it also 'shifted' my energy and lead us now to a very different place than I expected to be in all those months ago.
I am thinking of you and sending you lots of thoughts for peace.
please know we are here and keep us posted...

Sue said...

Nikki! I don't want to say be positive or anything because I know what that feels like but I will keep praying for you. I just believe that if god gives you problems he also gives you the stregth to deal with them and I see that strength in you. I know it's going to be tough but waiting may be the best thing to do. Give your body some drug free months to help it get back on track.
(((Hugs)))

Clio said...

Nikki, I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you.
But I'm more on the practical side of things as well. So what your husband said makes sense. And also if you can get some of the practical stuff taken care of, perhaps even your energy and your body will be more ready to cooperate and you can be in a better place altogether to be a lovely healthy home for embryos that will stick, grow and arrive in this world as healthy children.
In your circumstances that does sound like the most sensible thing to be done.
I am very happy to hear that your top doctor believes in you, and your lining! that's fantastic. so there are totally good news in the middle of this.
And yes it is more time... but who knows... Like some others said in here... you may get a very good job with great coverage. Who knows what the future holds? Your embryos are safe waiting for you to be ready for them.

strongblonde said...

just thought i would let you know that i am thinking of you :)

xoxo

MamaSoon said...

Hi Nikki. I hope you are doing ok. I posted here earlier this week but you haven't posted again since.
Thanks for the FET comments on my blog. I would love to take you up on your offer to share your FET calendar. If you want we can email at mamasoon / gmail (sorry trying to hide my email from internet robots)

Shelby said...

I know in my heart that any decision you make, though difficult, will be best. I am hoping this time you take will be what you need. In the mean time, I'm always here rotting for you and hoping for the best!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry I was busy with grants.
6-6.3mm is a very high risk pregnancy. It does work but is risky. A nurse will have to take care of you 24hrs.Focus on being a parent.

Bye

Old Mom New Baby said...

I have no words, just sending a ~zillion hugs~

Sticks and Stims said...

Hi N - how are you doing?

I Believe in Miracles said...

What a hard decision to have to make. Praying for you in your wisdom and decision making.
~~HUGS~~

Elle Charlie said...

I totally feel your pain - it stinks to put off trying because other things in life need to get organized or reorganized - we are in that same place. Right now I'm so stressed over the job search and the dog that it would not be an ideal time to be pregnant, yet we're still forging ahead at the moment because we're so behind in the process of even figuring out what we need to be doing. Anyway, my point is I totally relate. As if IF isn't enough to be worrying about...

I hope you guys get to a place where you feel ready soon! My fingers and toes are crossed for you!