Called off........

We called it all off. Yup – that’s right. We’ve pulled the plug on this cycle, and have decided to step aside for a bit.

Why? I was doing my normal injections / patches / suppositories / acupuncture routine, and what happened suddenly? Well, we spoke with our nurse today at CCRM. We asked her a few questions and asked her to check with Dr Schoolcraft for his opinion.

a) What did Dr Schoolcraft think of my lining and the miserable progress it was making?
b) What could be the effects (on me) from being on Lupron for so long? (This is now my 7th week on Lupron)
c) What could be the effect of long term Lupron, long-term estrogen, and yet a thin lining on the outcome of the transfer itself.
d) On Monday – if my lining reaches say 7mm, would they still keep me on medication for as long as it takes to get the lining up to a minimum of 8mm?

Remember that last week Dr. Schoolcraft wasn’t there, and Dr. Surrrey had taken the call to keep me going? Well, this Monday, my nurse wasn’t there, and the back up nurse had called with instructions. So for the last 2 calls from CCRM, it wasn’t the same 2 people taking the call and making the call.

My nurse said she would discuss with Dr Sch one more time and call back. She would also tell Dr Sch that I think it may be my uterus developing scar tissue after the surgery, because I’ve never had a lining problem before.

So she spoke with Dr Sch and called back. Dr Sch said that if we think my uterus could have scar tissue, the only way to find out would be to do a hysteroscopy and check. And she asked him what effect the long term use of Lupron could have on the outcome of this transfer, and he said our option was to stop the cycle now, because obviously there was some sort of an issue. My E2 was already pretty high (almost 1300 last week) and my lining was way too thin for that level of E2.

When the nurse called back, I decided to quit. This cycle has been stressful enough already. I was sure I did not want to deal with rushing into transfer based on emotions, while knowing fully well that my lining really is not adequate, and even if we get the lining to a thicker place, my hormones are messed up. More so, mentally, my stress levels are way too high. Given this, if the FET failed, CCRM could just say that it was because I had had to prep my lining for so long, or that I had been on Lupron for so long etc.

I don’t want to waste my embryos – just getting genetically normal embryos is a huge uphill task for us. They are way too precious to be wasted on a cycle that is not turning out to be ideal. I don’t want to take any chances – and I don’t want to have to deal with any regrets later. And if I went ahead with this cycle, and it if it didn’t work, I would have regretted it for sure.

So I quit.

What now? Now I get on to the lovely progesterone suppositories to bring on AF. Once AF is here, we will probably plan to go to Denver for the hysteroscopy. We could wait for a cycle or two, but I think doing the hysteroscopy now will help us be able to plan ahead. If there is scar tissue, then we need to ask Dr Sch what he plans to do. If there isn’t then we can decide if we want to try for another cycle and just hope that my lining this cycle was just a fluke of a cycle.

I am feeling strangely liberated. Relaxed. I don’t know if I’m relaxed because I don’t have to do those meds anymore and the stress of this cycle is gone, or because FINALLY I got to control something!!!??? Perhaps a little of both. I was so tired of feeling completely out of control – pretty much the entire last 12 months. It was feeling like I was living on instructions from doctors, and there was NOTHING that I could decide and do on my own. It felt good to take a call on something.

Yes of course, in the last 4 hours since that call, I have asked DH 400 times if he thinks I made the right decision. I’ve doubted my decision many times, and right now is when I have to do my Lupron shot. I’m sitting here, not doing it. I hope it’s the right decision…..