Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Called off........

We called it all off. Yup – that’s right. We’ve pulled the plug on this cycle, and have decided to step aside for a bit.

Why? I was doing my normal injections / patches / suppositories / acupuncture routine, and what happened suddenly? Well, we spoke with our nurse today at CCRM. We asked her a few questions and asked her to check with Dr Schoolcraft for his opinion.

a) What did Dr Schoolcraft think of my lining and the miserable progress it was making?
b) What could be the effects (on me) from being on Lupron for so long? (This is now my 7th week on Lupron)
c) What could be the effect of long term Lupron, long-term estrogen, and yet a thin lining on the outcome of the transfer itself.
d) On Monday – if my lining reaches say 7mm, would they still keep me on medication for as long as it takes to get the lining up to a minimum of 8mm?

Remember that last week Dr. Schoolcraft wasn’t there, and Dr. Surrrey had taken the call to keep me going? Well, this Monday, my nurse wasn’t there, and the back up nurse had called with instructions. So for the last 2 calls from CCRM, it wasn’t the same 2 people taking the call and making the call.

My nurse said she would discuss with Dr Sch one more time and call back. She would also tell Dr Sch that I think it may be my uterus developing scar tissue after the surgery, because I’ve never had a lining problem before.

So she spoke with Dr Sch and called back. Dr Sch said that if we think my uterus could have scar tissue, the only way to find out would be to do a hysteroscopy and check. And she asked him what effect the long term use of Lupron could have on the outcome of this transfer, and he said our option was to stop the cycle now, because obviously there was some sort of an issue. My E2 was already pretty high (almost 1300 last week) and my lining was way too thin for that level of E2.

When the nurse called back, I decided to quit. This cycle has been stressful enough already. I was sure I did not want to deal with rushing into transfer based on emotions, while knowing fully well that my lining really is not adequate, and even if we get the lining to a thicker place, my hormones are messed up. More so, mentally, my stress levels are way too high. Given this, if the FET failed, CCRM could just say that it was because I had had to prep my lining for so long, or that I had been on Lupron for so long etc.

I don’t want to waste my embryos – just getting genetically normal embryos is a huge uphill task for us. They are way too precious to be wasted on a cycle that is not turning out to be ideal. I don’t want to take any chances – and I don’t want to have to deal with any regrets later. And if I went ahead with this cycle, and it if it didn’t work, I would have regretted it for sure.

So I quit.

What now? Now I get on to the lovely progesterone suppositories to bring on AF. Once AF is here, we will probably plan to go to Denver for the hysteroscopy. We could wait for a cycle or two, but I think doing the hysteroscopy now will help us be able to plan ahead. If there is scar tissue, then we need to ask Dr Sch what he plans to do. If there isn’t then we can decide if we want to try for another cycle and just hope that my lining this cycle was just a fluke of a cycle.

I am feeling strangely liberated. Relaxed. I don’t know if I’m relaxed because I don’t have to do those meds anymore and the stress of this cycle is gone, or because FINALLY I got to control something!!!??? Perhaps a little of both. I was so tired of feeling completely out of control – pretty much the entire last 12 months. It was feeling like I was living on instructions from doctors, and there was NOTHING that I could decide and do on my own. It felt good to take a call on something.

Yes of course, in the last 4 hours since that call, I have asked DH 400 times if he thinks I made the right decision. I’ve doubted my decision many times, and right now is when I have to do my Lupron shot. I’m sitting here, not doing it. I hope it’s the right decision…..

34 comments:

Darya said...

I think you made the right decision and I'm so proud of you for being strong enough to quit right now and prolong the misery knowing that it's ultimately the best decision. I commend you!

Kymberli said...

I think that if your first reaction was to feel liberated, then you definitely made the right decision. I'm a firm believer in listening to your gut instinct even when your heart and mind tries to convince you otherwise.

I sincerely hope that this cycle was just a fluke and not indicative of an underlying issue.

xoxox

Chhandita said...

I think you made the choice which is right for you. Those ice babies are safe and waiting. Makes sense in not taking chances...

(hugs) and know that we are here.... let me know if you ever wanna chat, will give you my yahoo ID..

Lavanya said...

I think you made the right decision, no doubts about it.Since you haven't had any issues with lining before, my feeling is that your body hasn't gotten back to "normal" mode yet, give it some time. Take Care

Anonymous said...

Nikki,
Feels surreal reading your blog. I can say I am a little ahead of you in this hormonal- hysteroscopy- uterine lining-ivf- game. Right decision, wrong decision? Well you took the decision that seemed most appropriate at this time.Based on my own experience only, (and it could differ between individuals), it will take at least 2-3 months to get back to "normal".

Unfortunately as you are aware, scar tissue will form. Please do not panic. Talk to CCRM and see what they advise for it. Also get a second opinion here.

Progesterone is kinder to women than estrogen.

On a lighter vein, you will feel like "puck" from mid summer's nightdream..High on a love potion..

Perfect way to have fun and enjoy a very romantic progestronal birthday with DH...

Nichole said...

I think you made the right decision for sure! I am so proud of you for speaking up and calling the shots. Go Girl!

Lorraine said...

I think this is absolutely the right decision. Why put those precious embryos into anything but the optimal circumstances for success?

I know it's so disappointing to add more waiting to the mix. I hope everything looks good "in there" and you can let your body rest and prepare for the perfect FET!

Fashionably Infertile said...

Nikki...you definitely made the best decision to cancel this cycle. I know it hurts. I cancelled back in June last year because I was not in the best of health. Granted I was only 4 days into stims. I just had the hysteroscopy so I am passing the torch to you. I am so glad you feel liberated!!!!! Those snowbabies are waiting for you and will continue to wait until you are ready. The lining issue was def. a fluke AND you are making such positive steps towards your upcoming BFP!!

Brobe said...

Nikki, surely this is the best decision as your embies are too precious and need the best utero environment to grow. Also you'll feel much better after you stop these medications both physically and mentally and then you can come back once you feel ready. I'm surprised that Dr.Sch didn't himself tell you to not go ahead with this cycle until you followed up and asked him. Also can't you do the hysteroscopy locally?

Take good care and you will feel better soon.

Caroline said...

Nikki, You sound more relieved/relaxed than you have in a little while. I think you are right - you are taking some control back.
Your embies are safe, and I think it is a good decision to have a bit of a break. I know it would be easier to rush the ET, but you want to be as healthy and relaxed as you can when the ET takes place. I am proud of you for making this tough choice. And I agree with your decision, absolutely.

DAVs said...

I agree with your decision, for what it's worth. At this point, if you went ahead and then it didn't work, you'd forever be questioning things--was it the stress, the long lupron, the high E2, etc etc etc--and this way, you can do a little more digging (no pun intended) and start fresh. And get a freakin' break from all the meds (well, minus the progesterone). I'm sorry this has been so long and stressful. Treat yourself extra good!

Lisa said...

You go girl!!! It is liberating to finally make decisions on our own - I canceled my prior IVF cycle and it was really, really hard in some ways but amazing in others. I felt in control again - and I knew deep down that it was right for us. I think my more positive mood this cycle was as a result of that.

I think it is great and I am weirdly enough, proud of you. I for one understand the fear of the drugs - they make me crazy!!! Now the progesterone is just making me fat and constipated...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

mlg- believe-n-miracles said...

Nikki, I know this decision was a difficult one for you. I think you made the right decision, the one where you will have no regrets. I am so glad that you feel liberated, you have a plan in place and have some time now to try a relax a little and get ready to get back in the game. I am so proud of you.

margelina said...

Nikki,
Good for you for knowing what the right decision for you is, and doing it. If you felt better after you made it then it was definitely the right one. I am sorry that things weren't working out, and am hopeful that once you get a little break here and meet with your awesome doctor that you will get things sorted out.
I'm really praying and pulling for you, and hope you have found some peace. (((hugs)))

Michelle said...

Good choice. It's important to listen to your body.

JJ said...

Nikki, I agree with everyone else. Given what you explained and your discussion with the nurse, this is the right decision. The stress alone would be a good reason to jump out of this cycle and start again later. Your embies are totally safe where they are. I hope you can have a few nice weeks of relaxing, recharging and getting some answers from the hysteroscopy. I admire your strength and composure in this. Big hugs. Jxxxx

MamaSoon said...

Hi there. I am sorry to hear that this didn't work out. I know the rollercoaster all too well. But I join in with you and everyone else that you made the right call. No sense trying to fit bloated feet in a narrow shoe, if you will. The embryos are key and you will be back for them, soon, once you are convinced your uterus has gone through the necessary check points. You are a wise chick! We'll all be right here.

Question though, why would you come to Denver for the hysteroscopy or scar tissue thing? Do you trust Dr. S over your local doctors for this type of procedure?

Jewels said...

I've never been in your shoes, but I feel you made the right decision.
some of your very questions have been my questions, I think I'd feel the same way and just want a chance for a fresh cycle and balanced hormones.
I believe something is saying "This is not the cycle".

I hope your uterus cooperates after your scope and that nothing is wrong with it.

momsoon said...

Hey- as tough as that decision was, I think it was totally the right decision long term- you def want to transfer those embies when you/docs feel it is the best time.

Let the docs earn their pay and guide you and figure things out- meantime you can get feeling grounded and healthy (off the meds finally!!!)
I don't think we ever regret listening and following our guts/instincts...they do lead us in the right direction.
We are here.Feel better...Peace.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh Nikki,

I'm just catching up on all your blog posts. Looks like it's been a rough time, but I do think you made the best decision. You want the best possible chance. I questioned our decision to cancel the ET so many times, but it turned out for the best in the end with the OHSS and then the BFP later.

I'm praying that you are able to rest and recoop and that when you try again the lining will cooperate and be in tip top form.

~~HUGS~~

nh said...

What a tough decision - well done for taking it! Like others have said - if it felt right it was right!

Linda said...

By your feeling liberated and somewhat relaxed, I'd say you made the right decision. :) You're right that your embryos are too precious to "waste". And who knows, this cycle could've been a freak cycle and that your next cycle will be perfect. Like I said before, I have high hopes for you. I'm really proud of you.

Misty Dawn said...

Go with your gut girl, if it told you that, then its prob the right decision. You are right, those embies are way too valuable to waste them if your body isn't progressing.

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

Anonymous said...

Well done!
I think that you made the right choice and I'm proud of you, I'm sure it wasn't an easy choice to make.
I agree that your embryos are far too precious to use on a cycle that is less than perfect. You definately don't want to regret anything.
I think you should take this time to do something nice for yourself, maybe a spa treatment or massage. Pamper yourself a little, you deserve it!
Hugs
Kaila

Anonymous said...

Hi, Can you opt to do a natural cycle ( w/o drugs ) for your FET. This is what they recommend at standford and it worked for me.

Chris

OcGal said...

Nikki I hate that we have to go through the stress and pain of IF. I think you've made the right decision to cancel the cycle and start again to create the perfect lining for your precious embies. Take a break, regroup and enjoy your birthday!
OCGal

Brett and Audra said...

I too think you made the right decision, mostly b/c of your peace of mind. IF this didn't work you would always wonder...

You do sounds soooo relaxed. It is liberating to make a decision about this stuff and not being TOLD what to do. I'm so proud of you and I truly believe that when you're ready that stubborn lining would have gotten over it's funk and decided to cooperate!

Sue said...

Nikki- I think you made the right decision...not that my thoughts matter - but from an outside perspective from someone who wants to see success for you, I think you did right. Though, I know it was a hard decision, but you are right to take a small breather, make sure all is okay, and then move forward, making sure to give your beautiful, healthy embies every chance at life!!!

I know that it sucks to consider prolonging this misery but, when the next cycle works, you will be so much better off!!! Now, get off that lupron, take some prog and feel better! (It always feels like a relief to me to get off the meds and let my body start to get to normal!).

Jill M. said...

I absolutely think you made the right decision, don't doubt yourself or stress over it anymore. All of your concerns are very valid ones. Let your body recover, do the hysteroscopy and then start from scratch. Maybe they can put you on a different FET protocol that would give better results.

I know it sucks to have to wait even longer now, but that's way better than going forward with sub-optimal conditions and risk it not working. I'm glad you feel liberated. Hang in there and go enjoy some time with dh.

Hugs

Wishing 4 One said...

Good choice. And it felt good to make it, I know. Hoping that your next cycle is great and youre lining is super thick and this was just a fluke. xoxox

Clio said...

Nikki. i don't see you as quitting at all. You absolutely made the best decision. Just being away from the Lupron will do you a world of good. You are right you don't want to be all messed up from hormones plus all the added stress you are going through this cycle. Better to take a healthy break and start fresh on that lining. You described your reaction as feeling liberated, you can bet that gut reaction is telling your something very important about this moment. Trust your gut feelings. You are doing what is right for you.
big, big hugs

mylifechronicles said...

I am glad you were able to make the call. I am soo proud of you. And you have a point... there is no point is transferring now and going through another roller coaster ride waiting to see if it works when you already know that the situation was not ideal. Take care.

Joy Switzer said...

Wow sweetie! I am so sorry, I wish your lining would have cooperated! I have been wondering what was going on with since I hadn't seen any updates on FB. I think you are making the right decision and I hope the lining was just a fluke. (((((hugs))))

Sarang said...

Nikki! So glad you went with what you were feeling and made the absolute right choice for you. I am glad you felt like you got to take back control and do what you needed.

So proud of you!