One year to the day

My dearest baby Aditi,

My precious baby, my little miracle – you stayed with us only for a few weeks, but what a difference to made to our lives!!

Last year today we found out that you had left to go be with God. Your Dad and I did not want to believe or accept what the doctor was telling us. I often wondered in the days and weeks later, what I had done wrong, and if there was anything I could do to change the news we received on Nov 28, 2007.

I am sorry that my body was not more ready and comfortable for you, my child. I am sorry if I could have done something differently but didn’t. I would do anything – anything at all if I could change the outcome! I would readily give my life if I could save yours.

At the same time, I am honored that you did come into our lives. You made us Mommy and Daddy, even though we were never able to meet. We were about to give up, when you came into our lives. I can never describe to you the hope you brought for us. I can never describe to you the emotions that Daddy and Mommy felt.

Our arms are still empty, precious baby, but our hearts are full. The house is empty and silent, but if I close my eyes I can see you. Daddy tells me he too feels your presence and that you’ve been helping encourage him with his work project.

Seeing your presence in our lives has given us the courage and strength to go on and try again. We have met with some more challenges, but we know that you and your siblings are sending us the strength we need. I promise you my child - Mommy and Daddy will not let you down. We will not get weak and give up.

I love you forever,
Your Mom.


Nov 28, 2007

We went in for a regular u/s appointment. This was supposed to be our last appointment with the RE, and he was releasing me to a perinatologist after that.

No heartbeat.

D&C scheduled for Nov 30.

Texted my manager about what happened.

Couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t imagine.

Decided to leave everything and go away to Los Angeles for a day and come back for D&C.

After driving in silence for 2 hours on Highway 5, we started feeling like we had been thrown in the middle of an ocean – trying to swim to the shore, but the shore was nowhere in sight. 

Running out of steam. 

Feeling like the wheels were turning but we were getting nowhere. 

Big rigs passing by on the freeway, and us feeling tiny and miserable and helpless and confused.

Then the realization that no matter how much we run, or drive, we will not be able to change what has happened. We turned around and drove back home.

I never imagined that I would last a day after hearing that news, yet here I am, one whole year later, 2 more losses later, still with the nerve to try again.