Thursday, January 8, 2009

Don't tell me I used up my share of magic yesterday

It's always something isn't it? I was for once SO happy and excited yesterday with my ER numbers. I was ecstatic - I mean, this was the best result I'd had - ever! And I'm the oldest I've ever been! 

I just jinx myself by feeling happy. I should just stay in the "fuck it" mode! 

I got my fert report. Out of 31 eggs, 24 were mature. They ICSId the 24, and we have only 14 that fertilized! I don't get it! This is the first time we've used ICSI and I think this is the worst fertilization rate we've had. I thought ICSI should make the rates go up! And I know that 14 would be a great number for someone that was not dealing with genetic interferences. But given our situation, we needed way way more than what we're getting! 

I don't have all my numbers here, but this is what I know and remember from my previous cycles:

2005, IVF 1
Eggs retrieved: 29
Fertilized: 21
Day 3 update: 15 embryos growing. 
2 embryos transferred on day 3, 13 frozen.

2007, IVF 2
Eggs retrieved: 17
I am not sure how many fertilized, but we had 10 for biopsy on day 3
PGD result: 1 normal

2008 IVF 3
Eggs retrieved: 14
Fertilized: 9, and 9 survived for biopsy
PGD result: 1 normal (but not good grade on day 5)

2008: IVF 4
Eggs retrieved: 17
Fertilized: 13
Day 3 - 11 survived for biopsy
PGD result - 2 normal 

2009: IVF 5
Eggs retrieved: 31
Fertilized (with ICSI) 14
Biopsy will be on day 5, and now I wonder how many will make it. Given our ratios earlier, we will be lucky to have 1 normal for transfer! :-(

So I'm bummed. To say the least. I don't know what else one can do to make the odds turn more in our favor. I don't know why this is so hard.

And that's not enough. Remember my new insurance? I got active on that on 1/1 and with the holidays and then with stims and doctors and ER etc, I wasn't able to talk to them till today to confirm all my coverage. CCRM also needs a written authorization from the insurance, and as they had said, it would be easier for us to get the authorizations.

But, get this, the insurance tells me I have no infertility coverage. None. Whatsoever. WTF????? It is a state mandate, my ex-employer is NJ based. The benefits summary I got says I have coverage. The website member zone shows me I have coverage. But no. The customer service reps (and we called back twice, just in case we were talking to a moron the first time), tell us we have no coverage. That my employer opted for "Benefits Exclusion" and excluded infertility! WTF!!!!!! 

I am now going between emails and phone calls with CCRM (to see if there is any way we can expect maybe a couple more eggs to mature and fertilize) and with my employer (my HR manager is not in office, and the HR assistant says she doesn't understand my question, and can I please email her the terms I'm using, so she can call the rep at the insurance company). 

I'm in a funk right now - why the hell does everything have to be so hard? People get drunk and get pregnant for free! People complain about the work it is to have a baby. I have quit my work TO have that baby, and I'm paying through my nose for everything, and still it's like I'm attempting the impossible!



DH said...


Darya said...

I'm sorry sweetie.

Take a deep breath. You are right, it is always something.

Don't get so hung up on the nubers. You cannot base your PGD response this time to what happened last time given that you are using a completely different PGD. According to Dr. S., the old way of PGD is completely invalid. Please try and stay positive about that.

I'm sorry about your insurance nightmare. From what I remember, the HR rep confirmed to you a while back that there is IF coverage, right? Besides, if they offer the same coverage to their NJ employees as they offer your office, they will have to have IF coverage. You really don't need this nightmare, I know, but I do think that will work out.

Thinking about you...

Courtney said...

big hugs Nikki. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this. And an insurance nightmare on top of everything else! I really think the insurance thing is a mistake since your former company is in a mandated state so eventually it will get worked out even though it is so frustrating right now. I'm hoping that the ratios are going to be different this time.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Prayers & hugs sweetie!

Sue said...

I am sorry that you have to go through all this. But try not to worry about it too much. You never know, maybe your PGD results will be better than you expect. Thinking about you. Hugs!

April said...

i still think that your numbers sound good....i completely trust ccrm, though. they are the best for a reason. i know i say it every time...but trust them.

i don't get the insurance. from what i can tell, they tell everyone that they have no coverage. i was told that repeatedly...but still never paid for an IUI and only had to pay 1/2 of the ivf. insurance covered the rest. i think that they just hire people who are good at saying "no"

:( hugs

Lavanya said...

I'm so sorry...

Hang in there, this TOO shall pass and you will get desired results from PGD and I'm sure the insurance thing will get worked out eventually, even tho it seems as a big hurdle right now. I understand this is really frustrating, but You have come a long way for this baby and I'm sure you will get the reward you always wanted.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Polly Gamwich said...

Nikki I'm so sorry - I hate the insurance run around night mare ... I so hope they throw you a bone. The least they can do is send you on a nice vacation with a bottle of wine so you can try the old fashioned way "just relaxing" ... Pwah!!!

And about the 14, I'm sorry, I know that the number is smaller than you would like and I totally get that you have to see how many make it to biopsy and from there how many are normal ... I so hope and pray it's more than 1. I'm sorry for the trauma of having so many eggs and getting such a less-than-ideal fert report ... AFTER HAVING DONE ICSI!!!! (and at CCRM no less!) ... can you sense my frustration for you?

I hope this all works out.

Big hugs Sweety,

Jill M. said...

Hang in there, 14 is still really good and you may have more tomorrow. I had 6 mature late and 4 of them fertilized. I'm sorry to hear about the insurance crap. Thinking of you and wishing you the best! Hugs!

Lulu said...

I feel you on the insurance issue. I had the same thing happen to me but insurance may agree to cover specific pieces and parts if you submit to them.

And, as for the 14. I'm betting you'll get a few more tomorrow as that seems to be the genius of the CCRM lab. Keep your spirits up honey! If well wishes can help you have tons and tons of them!

DAVs said...

On Nikki. I feel for you. We went from 20 eggs to 12 mature to only 2 fertilizing--our worst fert rate ever. I know how it feels to use ICSI and CCRM and have worse results--it just plain sucks. And to have to deal with the insurance issue on top of this?? I'm so sorry.
BUT, having said that, fourteen is still a great number, even with dealing with the genetic stuff. I am crossing everything for you--it is FAR from over.

margelina said...

Ah, crap, Nikki...I'm so sorry this day has been so rough for you. I hope that in the end, you end up with plenty of embies to use...and it only takes one, just remember that!
Insurance stuff can be such a hassle, I know. My experience with the reps is that most of them have no clue what's what and you have to talk to several before getting the correct answer. I hope it'sn just some mistaken info since NJ is a mandated state. prayers and hugs coming your way!! (((hugs)))

Shelby said...

I hate flipping insurance companies. Grrrr. I'm mad for you! I'm really hoping that after PGD, you'll have the number of embies you're hoping for. It's so frustrating how out of control we are in this situation, whether its insurance or the number of eggs fertilized, but it's not over till it's over! Don't count your embabies out yet!

JJ said...

Nikki, crapola, this just sucks. It's so frustrating to get such a huge number of eggs and then loose so many of them. I hope they can do something about maturing more. I sincerely hope that you're blessed with some great pgd results. Anything's possible, even though it is hard to believe right now. I'm thinking of you, hon. Please keep your chin up, if you can. xxxxx

Chhandita said...

Damn...Things HAVE to turn out better for u...I am angry for u.

Heavy heart said...

Hang in there Nikki..regarding the PGD response..lets wait and cross that bridge when it focus on the insurance guys..remember sometime back you had spoken about a HR woman who had read your blog and went out of her way to help you? Why dont you try her again..or is she the Manager who is out?

Fingers crossed for you. Just hang in there.

perchancetodream said...

The insurance dance is really one of the most painful thing about all of this. Like you say, people just get pregnant all the time and don't have to stress about it Why do some of us, who want this the most, seem to hit brick walls at every turn....sigh...

Just know that you aren't alone and you have many people you haven't even met, pulling for you....(and 14 is quite a respectable number!!!!)

Anonymous said...

I am sorry Nikki
Try to hang in there, I know it is hard and nothing is ever easy, but try to hang in there.

Billy said...

So sorry of your bad news - both the low number of eggs that fertilized and the thing with the insurance.
Real crap.
(here from L&F)

Clio said...

many many hugs Nikki.
this insurance thing is ridiculous. I hope they get it sorted out and you do have coverage.
On the number of fertilized eggs... i'm sorry you're so disappointed, but like some others said, it may still be good enough. Keep your hopes us.
Plus, if indeed with icsi they pick the best sperm, then maybe your changes of more embryos passing the PGD is greater.
thinking of you...

Hillary said...

Hoping for some good embies!!
(here from LFCA)

Cassandra said...

I hope that you fall on the good side of the odds with the embryos' genetic diagnosis this time around, and I hope that the insurance issue gets resolved. It's really a toss-up whether I have more of a problem dealing with IF or health insurance.

Hope there is lots more magic left for you.