Sunday, January 4, 2009

What if...........???

I’m going to panic a little here today. I know I’ve been going in for my daily monitoring, and I know my follicles are growing, and I’ve been sharing the pictures of the measurements with you guys. Everyday after the u/s, they have you wait in a meeting room, and a nurse comes and goes over your follicle sizes with you. So far every day the nurse (and it’s been a different nurse EVERYDAY!) has been coming in and gushing over how great things look, and how well I’m responding.

And I’ve been believing that. I’ve asked the u/s tech a couple of times how many follicles total they see there, and the response has been “Oh, plenty!” or “Don’t worry, there’s a whole bunch”. In fact this morning, the tech said “It looks like a cluster of grapes in there.”

However, this morning, the nurse that met me after my u/s said “It looks like we have 11 follicles.” I flipped. What if I get only 11 follicles and only 11 eggs total?

Now, at my age, 11 is not bad. But, 11 would be the worst I’ve ever had in an IVF cycle. And, given DH’s translocation, and the fact that our embryos need to go through PGD, I need to be making WAY more than 11 eggs! That’s just to account for eggs that may not be mature, or eggs that may not fertilize, or embryos that may not divide and grow normally, and most importantly, embryos that will have abnormal PGD results. There’s going to be egg / embryo waste at each stage, and if we’re starting with 11, we may have nothing left to transfer! 

Just going by history, in the last 3 IVF cycles, we have had between 10-13 embryos that went in for biopsy and PGD, and we got only 1, 1 and 2 normals in each cycle, respectively. So 90% of our embryos have historically been unbalanced by the translocation! So to have even 1 normal, we need around 10 blastocysts on day 5 to biopsy!! 

I guess part of my panic is coming from not knowing. See, in CA, my local RE would count all my follicles, and we usually were pretty much on track with how many we’d get eventually. Here, a) they are counting only the big ones, and b) the monitors are usually sort of turned away, and I can’t see for myself if there are any more that I can count. Also, in CA, DH always came into the u/s room with me, and if I couldn’t see the monitor, he could stand where he could see the monitor and could count the follicles for us. Here, none of the DH’s seem to go in when the u/s tech calls out names. So he’s been waiting outside while I go in on my own.

I think tomorrow I’m going to make him come inside with me for my u/s, so he can see what I can’t. Oh my goodness – I hope there is an u/s tomorrow! What if I’m triggering tonight? Oh God, now I’m going to be freaking out till they call me with instructions today!

Calming vibes please? Please knock some sense into my head! I know I’m in panic mode but I don’t know what to do about it right now.


margelina said...

Nikki...take a deep breath...then take a few more. You have come so far, you're almost there. I know it is hard to be in a situation that is scary and unknown and where everything is out of your control. But you have written about having hope and faith and believing in a hang onto that right now, and know that we are all here hoping with you. You have come way to far to cave into fear now! HUGE (((HUGS))) Nikki. Remember to breathe!!

Lisa said...

I know the panic. But - it is quality not quantity - maybe the quality is going to be better - they have been growing slow and sure, right? I only had 3 eggs the first time and 9 the second - I would be over the moon to have 11 eggs - I know that this is not your experience and I am not sure if that makes you feel better or not.

As for freaking out - if that is what you need to do, by all means freak. Sometimes it helps me - when I calm down, it is like I got all of the fear and anxiety out of the way. You will know what to do when you need to do it. Thinking of you and sending you ((HUGS))

DAVs said...

Hey--Let your DH in the room! I took Lee in with me every single time and he would get a good look at the ultrasound himself.

Don't panic, CCRM always gets more eggs than they least that has been what I've seen from pretty much everyone. I know, easier said than done...but really, the techs vary and they are probably only counting the absolute biggest ones. I'm going to guess you'll get 15+ eggies!

Take it one breath at a time, and rest up. Thinking about you!

April said...

Nikki, you need to keep reminding yourself of their success rate. 75% of the women that do ivf there end up with a baby at the end. they know what they are doing. :) maybe they know something that we don't? i think it is a good idea for him to go in with you in the am, though.

keep us posted!!

Jill M. said...

Nikki, definitely take a deep breath, I'd be shocked if you didn't get way more than 11. CCRM only counts the biggest ones. One of the u/s techs even told me they were only required to count the biggest 5 on each side. They always counted around 12-14 with me and I got 23!!! I see this with pretty much every patient, always retrieving way more than they counted. I took dh in with me every visit, so definitely take your dh in with you. I've watched your #s and you are seriously doing great. Hang in there!

Kymberli said...

Deep, deep, deep breaths. I know it's hard not to panic and not overanalyze every little thing. It's so much easier said than done. You're so close now...