Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Waiting sucks! IF sucks! Currently, my life sucks! They told me that FISH analysis results take 24-48 hours, and given the fact that we've frozen our blasts and the PGD lab is aware that they need not rush for results, they may take an extra day or so. So we should have heard back on Monday. No. OK - Tuesday? No. Now Wednesday has gone past as well! I mean, how on earth am I expected to stay calm and patient any more?

I emailed the geneticist this morning and requested her to follow up and see what was holding the results up. She said she would check and let me know. I emailed her again in the afternoon. No response. Finally I called CCRM - I HATE the fact that their front desk doesn't put you through to the embryology lab directly. They're like security guards for the lab. There's always this uncomfortable conversation that makes me feel like I'm bothering them and wasting their time!

Them:"Have you called your nurse?"
Me: "I emailed the genetic counselor, and she said she'd check. I haven't heard anything after that."
Them: "Well, it's been really busy today. Give the genetic counselor time till tomorrow to respond to you."
Me: "OK. It's just that I was told to expect the results on Monday or Tuesday, and now it's almost the end of Wednesday and I haven't heard."
Uncomfortable silence.
Me: "Hello?"
Them: "Sigh. OK, I can email the lab and ask them to call you."
Me: "Would you please? Thank you. Here is my name and number again".

I never did get that call from the lab. However, the genetic counselor emailed me back finally, only to say that the PGD lab will "report the results on Friday". WHAT????? I don't know if that means CCRM will hear by Friday. In which case, I don't know if they will tell me on Friday or if I have to pull my remaining hair out before I finally get my results!!!

This whole IVF cycle has been so extremely stressful it's not funny. So stressful! Now I have 2 more days to chew my nails and pull out my hair before we hear if we're having a transfer. I'm supposed to get and fill prescriptions for Vivelle patches, and I don't want to do that unless we are sure we have a transfer. We have tickets, hotel, rental car that will need to be booked, and I don't want to do any of that till we hear back. Yes, there's still time, but I wish we could hear quickly so I can move on with other things that need to get done!

I know I need to be patient till we at least find out our PGD results, but my mind is spiraling downwards into panic mode. I'm not doing well with the waiting. I wish they had set our expectations right from the beginning and told us when they would have the results back realistically. I've literally spent the last 3 days not letting my cell phone out of my hand because I don't want to miss their call! I've checked my phone multiple times to see if it's working! Is it charged, do I have reception, is my ringer on etc etc etc! I'm going hysterical here.

I find myself running out of hope entirely now. It's just getting harder and harder. I can't picture myself pregnant, I can't picture us with a little baby. On top of it, it has been confirmed that this was our last covered IVF. We can't afford to pay out of pocket for any more treatment. We could have, but we've been burning through our savings for the last year. I think I need to pull up my socks and go look for a job. That thought is sending extra shivers down my spine. My confidence is at an all time low, and I'm feeling so unfit to be hired by any kind of job whatsoever. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been looking at job listings online, and the listings and job descriptions scare me. I don't think I can do anything that any job requires!! :-(

How did I let it come to this? How did I let myself go so far down? How did I allow IF to take SO MUCH from me?


bunny said...

Oh, Nikki, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Being stuck in flux while waiting for information is the worst, especially when you've been given so many different dates...Hurry up CCRM!!!

I try to tell myself that IVF is a worthwhile journey, even if it doesn't have the desired results. At least I will know that I "left no stone unturned."

I hope that CCRM calls you soon and gives you the information you need to move forward.

Thinking of you.

Lisa said...

Nikki - so sorry that you are in the middle of this stress and I hope the next few days fly by and that you get great news on Friday.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nikki,
I check in on you every day and I'm so truly sorry that you are being made to wait so long for your results.
I wish there was something I could do or say to help...
Hang in there sweetie, maybe the fact that you have waited so long will reveal good PGD results and good, normal embryos to transfer.
Prayers are with you.

JJ said...

Nikki, sweetie, hang on tight to your sanity. I know how it goes if the wait takes longer than expected. With our last cycle we were told 4-6 weeks and I had mentally prepared for 6 weeks. I swear at exactly 6 weeks I went out of my mind, and I mean quite crazy. It was an extra 2 weeks for us to wait after that and I honestly thought DH should have locked me up at home. I was a wreck. You can only take so much. I'm so sure you will have normals, but nothing other the actual results will do anything to make you feel better. Double and triple hugs to you.

April said...

oh goodness. this is so sad to me b/c i think that we are so similiar. i would be going crazy. you and i both know that you have to have patience. i know it's hard. i know that you (we) need to know the results. :(

want me to make some calls?

"hi, this is april, calling on behalf of nikki. um, yeah...we're in desperate need of these results..."

Elana Kahn said...

That's so not fair of them. I'm soooo sorry they're putting you through hell, and I'd freak out entirely if I were in your position. I really hope they call you ASAP with the results!!!

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,

Firstly let me tell you that you have been amazing through this difficult IVF journey. You have been an inspiration to us all. I can understand that you are feeling at the end of your rope right now. You have waited so long, and there is much riding on these results.

Secondly, can I make the suggestion that you not worry about work at the moment. No one can anticipate the future, and there is no point looking for a job right now. Who knows, you may still be pregnant in the coming months!

Thirdly, if you do decide to book into a mental home, let me know so I can book in too!

Shelby said...

Nikki, I am so sorry this wait has been so hard. I really wish there was something I could do in the mean time for you. The stress must be so overwhelming and I couldn't imagine thinking about finding a job in the middle of it (it was hard enough for me interviewing for a part-time position at the beginning of my cycle). Let me know if there is anything I can do and as always, we're all here, rooting for you. Here's hoping your wait ends very soon.

Miss Tori said...


I'm so sorry that this crap is going on. I'm like you, if you tell me one thing, but then do another, that'll drive me insane! Just give it to me straight.

If you'd like, I can have my RE beat up your RE, and then make him get you the results faster? Let me know if this sounds tempting.


MamaSoon said...

Hi Nikki. Having to travel to CCRM just makes things all the more stressful. I hope they really do get back to you by Friday. It is out of your hands. I hope it is all good news too.

Chhandita said...

Cant we sue them or sumthing? This is SO not right! i hope they hurry up all ready...

It IS tough to go back to into the job market after a period of absence...But am sure you will do mgreat...YOu just need to get thru this IVF -SUCCESSFULLY.

Darya said...

I'm so sorry. This sucks. We know they can do the test in a day I don't know why they don't. (((HUGS)))

Don't worry about the job right now. You had a great career and you are still just as smart, experienced, and educated as you were before you quit. SOmething will happen but take it one step at a time. Remember, your former employer still talks about how great you were.

Anonymous said...

Nikki.. I understand things are being more than unfair with you..but the first thing to do here is not to mix all issues and let them snowball into one impenetrable rock. Break up all the issues into tiny pieces..Ok..CCRM is delaying the results..logically there would be a reason..let us hope the reason is something that will ensure a viable pregnancy and give it that time..second..job..lets cross that bridge when we come to it..third..impatience..being in a flux..think of it as a quest..a sort of prayer/a penance for this miracle-to-be..

I know it is easy for me to say but DH always does this for me when I am overwhelmed and it helps me tremendously to break my problems into smaller handleable pieces. Hope it does to you too.

Take care.
Lv and prayers...HH

Misty Dawn said...

I just can't understand what is taking the lab so long to communicate back w/you. Anything would be better than not communicating w/you at all. The next phone call I don't think I would be as calm as you were the last time....demand answers and state how much planning is involved for you to get there for an ET.

They keep this going and you ought to post the number and let all of us call for you. LOL Then they will get sick of hearing from us and call you.


I sure hope the contact you early Fri morning.

Courtney said...

Oh Nikki!! You have every right to be pulling out your hair. I can't even imagine how hard this wait is for you. big hugs! Drive them crazy on Friday until you get your results!!

Clio said...

Nikki dear! Oh my goddess, please accept a virtual long, comforting hug. You so need it.
I'd be pulling my hair out as well. And I understand you completely when you say you feel unfit to function in the regular world in a job right now. I was feeling the same until very recently. Just now I'm starting to come back to myself and feel more empowered. I wish I had any magic to give you. But receive the magic of friendship and understanding. Don't put all the pressure on yourself right now.
I'm here hoping you get your results tomorrow, and that they indicate you are having a transfer.

Nichole said...

Nikki - I am SO SORRY! The whole situation totally stinks. I am praying for you!

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry for the long wait. Seems like we're always waiting in the IF process. Ugh. Hoping and praying that the wait yields great results.

Lorraine said...

Ack! Surely they understand how excruciating it is for their clients to wait and wait and wait? Surely you are not the first person to be in this situation...

In any case, I'm hoping you'll get the results that you want, even if you don't get them when you want them. That's what matters in the end!

I have an unopened three-pack of vivelle patches left over from last year - the cycle that the nurse forgot about them, so she never bothered to put them on my med schedule. They've been in an interior dark closet with all of my other supplies - along with the ganerelix from that cycle (also forgotten by the nurse) which apparently worked just fine this time. Anyway, they expire 03-2009, maybe you need them to last longer than that? But they're yours for the asking, or at least you could use a few of them while you wait for a new pack... email me if you want them!

I know the waiting sucks - hang in there!

Jill M. said...

Ok Nikki, I'm getting very impatient along side you, this is ridiculous! We're always waiting and waiting and waiting. Maybe you could let your cell phone battery die or go somewhere where there's no signal. Then I bet they would call. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry it is taking so long. I feel the same way about IF, it rules my life, it makes decisions for me, I have no real control of my life, my finances etc...
But in the end I can say that I tried everything I could.
Hang in there, everyday it gets closer, you have made it this far!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that they are making you wait till Friday! This just blows. Waiting sucks! IF sucks! All of this sucks! Especially for you! You have been through a lot and God really needs to cut you a break.

I pray and hope that He indeed does and that you get the call sooner than later.

Hang in there.

Sarang said...

You tell me whose ass needs kicking, and I'll go kick it.

You hang in there. Please try do something "soul nourishing" for yourself during this stressful time. They preach this in the mind/body classes...and it does help. Take a bubble bath. Listen to relaxation CD. Go for a walk. They say try to do something like this 30 minutes every day. Every day. I know that's hard. I get to it maybe 3x week.

...and, if all else fails, picture me and all your IF sisters here flying to Colorado with fists blazin' to go kick a little ass!!

Jackie. said...

I am feeling very sad for you. It's very easy to let this take over. It's as if the little voice in your head is telling you that you are not worthwhile unless this all "works," and that's simply not the case. You have done more with this crazy IF business (and let's be frank, it's a business) than anyone I have ever seen. That alone makes you an incredible person. You have shown so many of us how to get through the muck inside our own IF stories and in other areas of our lives. I know that that's not your intent, but it's true.

I am praying that you hear wonderful, wonderful news today.

Big hug,