Monday, January 12, 2009

I'm tired of stressing

I have literally spent the entire day staring at my phone, willing it to ring. I was waiting for my day 5 update. I've chewed my fingernails down to stubs, I've paced up and down, I've panicked and done everything else I could. I called and left a message, I emailed the nurse to follow up - I did EVERYTHING!!

Finally the embryologist called. Once again, it's not good. 

Here were my numbers on Day 3, with the cell break down:

12 embryos that were growing
2 at 10 cell
2 at 9 cell
5 at 8 cell
3 at 7 cell

The 2 that weren't being counted were 1 at 5 cell, and 1 at 3 cell.

The 3 late bloomers were at 2 cell, 4 cell and 5 cell. 

Flash forward to Day 5 - i.e. Today.  The story looks different now.

They were able to biopsy and vitrify 2 blastocysts. Yes, 2. That's all. And the 2 are graded as follows:

1 at 4BB
1 at 3BA 

They are watching a few more that MAY still develop by tomorrow:
2 stage 2 early blastocysts
2 stage 1 early blastocysts
3 at compacting stage (ie, they are significantly delayed) 
5 have arrested development (the 2 that didn't make day 3, plus 3 more)

From the late bloomers - none are looking close to being even early blastocysts right now. They will watch them tomorrow and on Wednesday. 

So in effect, we're down to 2 that have reached where they were supposed to in terms of growth. But even then they are not the best quality. It is a touch and go situation with the remaining, and they will call us tomorrow to update us on those and their progress. 

I don't know what to make of this. I'm devastated because I'm thinking there is no way we'll get one normal out of 2. I have a horrible sinking feeling in my heart that I should stop hoping. I don't know what to do now. And I don't know why everything has to be so hard. I don't know if I should keep any hopes up for the remaining embryos, or for the 2 that have been biopsied or for the ones that matured later, or for this cycle over all. 

I just want to wake up from this nightmare and find out none of this ever happened. I don't have the energy or the will to fight and hope any more. I don't even have the energy to panic anymore. 

I give up. 


Sarang said...

Nikki, I am so sorry! I am thinking of you with a lot of hope in my heart.

DAVs said...

I'm so sorry. You know my heart understands this pain on some level. However, I have heard so many woman say that their "best graded embyros' were not the CGH normal maybe just maybe you have a normal in there. And hoping some of the late bloomers are able to be vitrified and tested.

margelina said...

Huge{{{HUGS}}} Nikki. I'm so sorry that things aren't going the way you need them to. I don't completely understand what all the grading and numbers mean, but there is still a chance, and when there's a chnace, there is hope. What I do understand is how hard it is to continue to hope when things have you so down. I will continue to hope for you!!

Shelby said...

Oh, Nikki, I'm so, so sorry. My heart goes out to you. But don't give up (which, I understand is so much easier said than done)! the story isn't yet complete. You still have a chance and we are rooting for you and your little embabies. I can only begin to understand the pins and needles you're on waiting for the final results. When will you find out?

In the mean time, take care of yourself and please let us know how we can help distract you. I am just a phone call or for that matter, a handful of cities away. Perhaps you can join us in SF for our Chinese New Year celebration on the 24th? I might get obnoxiously drunk on the heels of my BFN, but I promise I won't be boring!

Keeping you in my thoughts and hopes!

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I'm hoping for you. I know how hard this cycle has been for you and I'm praying that it will work out even better than you expect.

Jewels said...

Nikki, I'm so sorry this is so hard and you have to go throug so much, I'll hold hope for you. I wished there was a way you could find some peace, your in my thoughts and prayers.

Elana Kahn said...

I am sooooo sorry, sweetie! I will keep praying for you and the two blasts that are growing. Hopefully at least one of them is "normal". HUGS HUGS HUGS

April said...

oh nikki. :( i still have hope that things will get better.

thinking about you!!

Lisa said...

Nikki - I have been waiting for your update all day - I am so, so freaking sorry, that sucks so bad - I, like you, focus on numbers so much and I can only imagine how hard this must be.

That being said, I agree with what has been said - there is still hope and I wish that there were more than words - which can be so empty - to offer you right now.


Jill M. said...

Oh Nikki, my heart goes out to you. I just can't believe this. I'm holding out hope for you that those 2 embies are normal and that the slow pokes come along. Big Fat Hugs!!!

Polly Gamwich said...

I know I'm miss negativity and my story is a bit different, but on my 2nd ER, after having developed 15 mature follies - we only got 1 mature (read: CGH testable) egg and that 1 egg was normal.

It can happen and I'm hoping that it happens for you.

But I know the frustration, the fear, and the disappointment.

This is so not for the faint of heart.

I'm holding your hand,

Chhandita said...

I don't know what to say nikki...But please hold on..what are we without hope?

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,
I have been thinking of you, and wondering how you are. I am sorry that this cycle has been a really tough one.

Know that you have a lot of friends out there. We are here for you, and are thinking of you. Please keep us updated with any developments (if you feel like it).

Hang in there - you are stronger than you ever imagined.

Caroline said...

Thanks for your advice. I'm thinking of you. Hang in there. Keep me posted with how you are doing.

trhule said...


I have beem thinking of you and was so glad you posted on the boards yesterday so I could get your blog address. You have said a million times that it only takes one and that is soooo true. Try and stay positive sweetie! Those 2 blasts may both be perfect! Hugs, Tori

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. I know it is hard to have hope. We are all here for you.

Misty Dawn said...

I am so very sorry Nikki. I know there is so much on this IVF, I hope that those 2 embies continue to grow and make it to ET.


Elle Charlie said...

I'm so sorry - I understand how you feel and how sometimes when you've hoped for so long, continuing to hope just starts to seem too hard. I will hope for you - hope that there is a chance for this cycle, hope that your weary heart heals a little, hope that you get what you wish for in 2009.

It's okay to take a break from thinking positive. If you can get someone to take over for you, that might help - your husband maybe?

Lavanya said...

I'm sooo sorry, I can imagine how hard it is to hear this outcome having gone through a lot. Big Hugs. I'm here for you, Feel free to call me if you feel like talking, I can meet with you if you like, just let me know.

I'll be praying for you and the two blasts and I wish you all the luck in the world.Take Care.

battynurse said...

I'm sorry. I hope that you still manage to get some good news.

Sue said...

I am so sorry that things are not going the way we would like them to but don't lose hope just yet. Maybe one or even both embryos will be good for transfer. I will pray extra hard for you.

Lisa said...


I've been thinking of you and hoping for a miracle for your cycle. I know you are disappointed, but 2 is not bad. It really does only take 1. We only had 2 blasts on transfer day (as we did not get enough to freeze) and they both took. One was a 4AB and the other couldn't be graded as it was an early blast. We've recently found out that we lost one :( but one is still growing strong at 10.5 weeks. So it IS possible. Hold onto hope Nikki. Don't give up. I will pray for you and your 2 blasts and hope for you.


JJ said...

Nikki, I'm so hoping that more come through today or tomorrow. Hang in there. I'm thinking of you. Oh and those grades really aren't so bad. I was told AB or BA is near-perfect (by Dr S last week and the embryologist today) and BB is very decent quality. Big big hugs to you. I know only too well how hard this is :-(. xxxxxxxxx

Lorraine said...

Hang in there, Nikki dear. This really is a roller coaster, and I am hoping that you will go from this low to the next high, the real high. I know the waiting is going to be so hard, but there is no reason to give up yet.

Those two could be everything you've done all of this for, and I still hope for the very best for them.