Patience!

Waiting sucks! IF sucks! Currently, my life sucks! They told me that FISH analysis results take 24-48 hours, and given the fact that we've frozen our blasts and the PGD lab is aware that they need not rush for results, they may take an extra day or so. So we should have heard back on Monday. No. OK - Tuesday? No. Now Wednesday has gone past as well! I mean, how on earth am I expected to stay calm and patient any more?

I emailed the geneticist this morning and requested her to follow up and see what was holding the results up. She said she would check and let me know. I emailed her again in the afternoon. No response. Finally I called CCRM - I HATE the fact that their front desk doesn't put you through to the embryology lab directly. They're like security guards for the lab. There's always this uncomfortable conversation that makes me feel like I'm bothering them and wasting their time!

Them:"Have you called your nurse?"
Me: "I emailed the genetic counselor, and she said she'd check. I haven't heard anything after that."
Them: "Well, it's been really busy today. Give the genetic counselor time till tomorrow to respond to you."
Me: "OK. It's just that I was told to expect the results on Monday or Tuesday, and now it's almost the end of Wednesday and I haven't heard."
Uncomfortable silence.
Me: "Hello?"
Them: "Sigh. OK, I can email the lab and ask them to call you."
Me: "Would you please? Thank you. Here is my name and number again".

I never did get that call from the lab. However, the genetic counselor emailed me back finally, only to say that the PGD lab will "report the results on Friday". WHAT????? I don't know if that means CCRM will hear by Friday. In which case, I don't know if they will tell me on Friday or if I have to pull my remaining hair out before I finally get my results!!!

This whole IVF cycle has been so extremely stressful it's not funny. So stressful! Now I have 2 more days to chew my nails and pull out my hair before we hear if we're having a transfer. I'm supposed to get and fill prescriptions for Vivelle patches, and I don't want to do that unless we are sure we have a transfer. We have tickets, hotel, rental car that will need to be booked, and I don't want to do any of that till we hear back. Yes, there's still time, but I wish we could hear quickly so I can move on with other things that need to get done!

I know I need to be patient till we at least find out our PGD results, but my mind is spiraling downwards into panic mode. I'm not doing well with the waiting. I wish they had set our expectations right from the beginning and told us when they would have the results back realistically. I've literally spent the last 3 days not letting my cell phone out of my hand because I don't want to miss their call! I've checked my phone multiple times to see if it's working! Is it charged, do I have reception, is my ringer on etc etc etc! I'm going hysterical here.

I find myself running out of hope entirely now. It's just getting harder and harder. I can't picture myself pregnant, I can't picture us with a little baby. On top of it, it has been confirmed that this was our last covered IVF. We can't afford to pay out of pocket for any more treatment. We could have, but we've been burning through our savings for the last year. I think I need to pull up my socks and go look for a job. That thought is sending extra shivers down my spine. My confidence is at an all time low, and I'm feeling so unfit to be hired by any kind of job whatsoever. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been looking at job listings online, and the listings and job descriptions scare me. I don't think I can do anything that any job requires!! :-(

How did I let it come to this? How did I let myself go so far down? How did I allow IF to take SO MUCH from me?