Thursday, July 17, 2008

How much do you believe your "gut"?

Of late my gut has been talking a lot. It's also been talking a lot of negative things, and unfortunately, all those have been coming true. 

I got pregnant, and could not for one moment relax and enjoy it because my gut kept whining saying something is wrong. Sure enough - we all know how that turned out.

For the first repeat blood test I didn't feel anything - thereafter I kept feeling this is not going to be easy. Sure enough we know how that turned out too.

On the weekend I told DH that Monday's blood test result would not be good either, and Dr M will call for a D&C. Sure enough - we know how that turned out too!

Today I have had another blood test - I am waiting for the call with the results, but my gut says - "Not much lowering of HcG" - PLEASE PLEASE prove my gut wrong!! 

Physical symptoms since yesterday - cramping last evening, and in the middle of the night. Since this morning - no cramping, no bleeding, no nothing. All else is status quo. My body is really playing a number on me, and it makes me wonder what next!

I should know in under 2 hours from now what the outcome was. I told DH this morning about my gut feel, and he asked me to quieten my gut down. He says every time you "feel" something wrong, it goes wrong. Can you please stop "feeling" these things? What can I do?

The long term view that my gut gives me is a family with 2 boys and us. The 2 boys have rough hair like DH and will wear glasses like I do. I'm not sure if the boys will be biologically ours or not. Because I have always had this gut picture in my mind, I have always fought against infertility, because I KNOW that we will overcome in the end! So sometimes my gut gives me hope too - at least in the long run!

BTW - if I had a choice, I want girls - they are so much more fun and certainly cuter! Well, even ONE would do!! 

For now, I wait for that phone call.....

No comments: