Thursday, July 3, 2008

The lowest low

The lowest low came after my first miscarriage. 

Till then we had never seen a positive result on a HPT, and so it also had been the highest high we had been on. When the baby's heartbeat went missing, so did ours. 

Every day was an effort - to get up, move on with life, go to work, and "pretend" to be normal. Nobody understands - nobody at all. Unless someone's been through this pain themselves, you can't even expect them to understand. They mean well, but right after you miscarry, someone tells you "You can always adopt" - that doesn't sit quite well.

We did not know how to get on with life. I would just want to curl up and die, but unfortunately that's not an option. You want time to freeze but unfortunately, that doesn't happen either. But time moves on. The pain never goes away. It just dulls and you are able to smile through it. People stop asking you how you're doing, and start expecting you to be excited about their developments in life.

The second time around you're hardened. You probably are also bitter, and therefore not as vulnerable. I am dealing with that now. Raw yes, but shielded and bitter. 

Maybe some day this too shall pass. Till then, I'm sad, very sad.

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