Friday, July 18, 2008

I did it

My HcG this morning fell, but fell only slightly. It was at 475, down from 496 yesterday. But Dr M did not feel comfortable with it, and didn't think it was a significant enough drop. So he wanted me to come in and do the Meth shot. 

I went back and got 2 injections (I am apparently too big to get dealt with in one shot!)

I have been reading several message boards, and it seems like many many women have taken this shot, and they sound fine about it. I am thinking that once this is "past" I may sound fine about it too, but today, it is the complete and total reality of my day. There is nothing else that I can think of. The last couple of days - or maybe this whole week I am having sort of an "out of body experience". I don't know what is happening with me - there are phone calls and updates, and repeated visits to the clinic, my arms are poked mercilessly, I have visible red holes in each arm now, my uterus has been scraped, my body has been injected with methotrexate and the syringe had a big sticky on it saying "High Alert". So essentially I have a high alert substance in my body, and nobody knows where the embryo is. 

What is all this? Why do I have to experience so many weird things? All I want is one child, and all I get is heartache (and right now a butt-ache :-) ) 

The saddest part of this entire thing is, I have not felt the deep despair and sadness I felt with my miscarriage in Nov. You may think it is good that I have not slipped into depression again. I wonder if it is normal to not grieve the loss of a child. I wonder if I have not become too bitter and hardened. Something to think about...


Earl Gearl said...

I'm crying for you. This road sounds so rough. I can't imagine how it feels and I know that I can't say anything to make you feel any better. I am thinking of you during this time.

kloc2006 said...


I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think you have become hardened or bitter. I think you are just grieving in a different way than before. I am so sorry you had to go through all this heartache. I'll be praying for you.


heavenlytini said...

i'm so glad things are starting to work out to give you closure!!!i'm just so sorry that you have to go through all this. and i agree i think you're just grieving in a different way, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. you're trying to get through something that i know is so hard and i think your heart is trying to take it easy and still taking it all in!!! i'll still be praying for!!!!and again i'm so sorry for your loss!!