Friday, July 18, 2008

I did it

My HcG this morning fell, but fell only slightly. It was at 475, down from 496 yesterday. But Dr M did not feel comfortable with it, and didn't think it was a significant enough drop. So he wanted me to come in and do the Meth shot. 

I went back and got 2 injections (I am apparently too big to get dealt with in one shot!)

I have been reading several message boards, and it seems like many many women have taken this shot, and they sound fine about it. I am thinking that once this is "past" I may sound fine about it too, but today, it is the complete and total reality of my day. There is nothing else that I can think of. The last couple of days - or maybe this whole week I am having sort of an "out of body experience". I don't know what is happening with me - there are phone calls and updates, and repeated visits to the clinic, my arms are poked mercilessly, I have visible red holes in each arm now, my uterus has been scraped, my body has been injected with methotrexate and the syringe had a big sticky on it saying "High Alert". So essentially I have a high alert substance in my body, and nobody knows where the embryo is. 

What is all this? Why do I have to experience so many weird things? All I want is one child, and all I get is heartache (and right now a butt-ache :-) ) 

The saddest part of this entire thing is, I have not felt the deep despair and sadness I felt with my miscarriage in Nov. You may think it is good that I have not slipped into depression again. I wonder if it is normal to not grieve the loss of a child. I wonder if I have not become too bitter and hardened. Something to think about...

3 comments:

Earl Gearl said...

I'm crying for you. This road sounds so rough. I can't imagine how it feels and I know that I can't say anything to make you feel any better. I am thinking of you during this time.

kloc2006 said...

Nikki,

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think you have become hardened or bitter. I think you are just grieving in a different way than before. I am so sorry you had to go through all this heartache. I'll be praying for you.

-Kelly

heavenlytini said...

i'm so glad things are starting to work out to give you closure!!!i'm just so sorry that you have to go through all this. and i agree i think you're just grieving in a different way, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. you're trying to get through something that i know is so hard and i think your heart is trying to take it easy and still taking it all in!!! i'll still be praying for!!!!and again i'm so sorry for your loss!!