Thursday, July 24, 2008

Mountain or mole hill?

2 calm days, and then suddenly this volcano of emotions and grief erupts and explodes inside of me. There is molten lava of broken dreams, emotions, grief, self hatred and accusations everywhere. 

I read somewhere that the psychological stress that someone dealing with infertility goes through is similar to the stress of a person dealing with cancer, HIV or chronic pain. This article talks about this stuff:

Yet I am wondering if I am over-reacting to my situation. Is it a mole hill that I am imagining to be a mountain? I cannot think of anything else at all. I am again and again reminded of failing - I feel like I failed DH as a wife, and his family as a daughter in law. I have failed as a woman. I am ashamed even thinking of meeting any family members ever in future. 

I don't feel like I have failed DH as a friend, as his companion, as his partner. But I feel like I failed him as a wife. 

Am I over reacting? Or is it not that big a deal to struggle with trying to have a family for so long, and fail again and again. First I could not get pregnant. Now I can't stay pregnant. How many walls do I have to run into to finally be able to jump over one and succeed? 

Am I over reacting? I am not answering my phones, and I am avoiding people because I feel like they don't get my pain, and that makes me wonder if I am behaving abnormally. They are normal, and I am all engulfed in my failures. Am I over reacting? 

Why is this affecting me at levels of my self confidence and self esteem? Am I doing wrong by letting all this take over who I am? How do I control it and do anything differently? 

I know I'll be more sensible tomorrow. I know I will be able to laugh again, but ask me one sensitive question and I start crying. Am I being able to cover up and laugh so people think I am coping well? How does one cope? Why am I not being able to find peace in anything? Restlessness and impatience rule my days. Why can I not concentrate on anything? 

Am I over reacting?


Lalchi & Dulce said...

Nikki, since you mentioned HIV & cancer (though in a different context), compared to those life-threatening diseases (mountain) IF is a mole-hill because you & DH are alive & able to look after each other.

You have to stop thinking that your & DH's childlessness is a negation of your self-worth & your value to DH. People fall in love, they stay in love & they spend their life with each other. Sometimes they procreate. Often they don't (medical or philosophical reasons, same sex couples etc.) & their bucking of societal expectations create sometimes subtle but usually pervasive pressures on them. Are all childless couples failures doomed to hellfire & damnation? Are all couples with biological children God's chosen ones & the only ones entitled to happiness & joy? I am sure in your heart you know the answer to that.

Are you over-reacting because you want something very bad & you can't get it? Perhaps. We all do. But we try to grow out of that phase. If I am not with the one I love, let me love the one I am with. We realize that we are fortunate with what we have, & we can build our lives around that. In the here & now, it is a titanic struggle tinged with feelings of low self-worth. But years later, you look back & realize that it helped you be a stronger person, more at peace with yourself, & someone still able to give & receive love.

I am sorry that your immediate existence is so fraught with heartbreaks & fragility. But don't second guess yourself, & create perceptions in your mind. Normalcy is a subjective concept. It is also a social norm driven by the majority. Your personal sense of what is normal & what is not doesn't need to be directed by social norms. You are not behaving abnormally - you are grieving & coping as best as you can & trying to get through tough times. Your friends don't want to dictate how you should live your life & neither do they tell you if they are 'normal' & you are not. And as to what strangers think about you & your life choices, it's a free country. Let them think & prescribe what they will. With time you will take it all in your stride. The open wound will soon clot & one day there will remain only a scar.

It is tomorrow already. It's a bright sunny day. Simba's tail is wagging & DH is making you tea. Heck, there is so much to look forward to.

Earl Gearl said...

You are not overreacting. This is normal. You have to go through the stages of grief to cope and you haven't even come to the end of this particular journey. Once your hCG levels go back to normal, you can start to cope and you will regain your hope and your strength. I hope all the best for you and know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.