2 calm days, and then suddenly this volcano of emotions and grief erupts and explodes inside of me. There is molten lava of broken dreams, emotions, grief, self hatred and accusations everywhere.
I read somewhere that the psychological stress that someone dealing with infertility goes through is similar to the stress of a person dealing with cancer, HIV or chronic pain. This article talks about this stuff:
Yet I am wondering if I am over-reacting to my situation. Is it a mole hill that I am imagining to be a mountain? I cannot think of anything else at all. I am again and again reminded of failing - I feel like I failed DH as a wife, and his family as a daughter in law. I have failed as a woman. I am ashamed even thinking of meeting any family members ever in future.
I don't feel like I have failed DH as a friend, as his companion, as his partner. But I feel like I failed him as a wife.
Am I over reacting? Or is it not that big a deal to struggle with trying to have a family for so long, and fail again and again. First I could not get pregnant. Now I can't stay pregnant. How many walls do I have to run into to finally be able to jump over one and succeed?
Am I over reacting? I am not answering my phones, and I am avoiding people because I feel like they don't get my pain, and that makes me wonder if I am behaving abnormally. They are normal, and I am all engulfed in my failures. Am I over reacting?
Why is this affecting me at levels of my self confidence and self esteem? Am I doing wrong by letting all this take over who I am? How do I control it and do anything differently?
I know I'll be more sensible tomorrow. I know I will be able to laugh again, but ask me one sensitive question and I start crying. Am I being able to cover up and laugh so people think I am coping well? How does one cope? Why am I not being able to find peace in anything? Restlessness and impatience rule my days. Why can I not concentrate on anything?
Am I over reacting?