I have my next blood test on Friday, and I feel my HcG will be lower - I hope it is significantly lower. I need it to be low enough so I can start exercising. I cannot deal with being out of control of my body anymore. This has GOT to change.
This week I have a lot of soul searching to do. I meet my RE next Tuesday. I have to think about what I want to ask him. I have to think about the tests I want to request. I have to think about whether I should do that last IVF. I know most of you suggested I should go ahead with it, but I need to see what I'll do. Even if I don't do that last IVF, I need answers.
The question of adoption - somehow that seems to be a topic that doesn't get discussed between DH and me too much. Its probably because we're still grieving and are not ready to make such big decisions yet. Or is it that we have not "accepted" our "inability to have a biological child"?
I think what describes my mindset is this: I've always believed there is nothing you can't achieve if you really try. And honestly, I've never failed at anything in my life so far. Or if I have, it may not have been something of consequence, or at least not something that made me question my ability as a human being. This has shaken everything that I was. It's very very hard for me to deal with the fact that my body is failing me again and again at something which is so basic and easy for other people. It is very hard to be out of control, and not know what to do. I guess I'm your typical Type A personality. And now, infertility has thrown me into a spiral - completely out of control spinning looping spiral!
I can't help but wonder why it is easy for so many others. What have they done differently that I haven't? Why do they deserve something I can't have?