Monday, July 28, 2008

A new calm

After the last few days of being extremely restless and ruffled, I feel calm today. I feel a little peaceful. I don't think I'm at the "acceptance" stage of the "Stages of Grief" yet, but I feel better than I have for a while. 

I have my next blood test on Friday, and I feel my HcG will be lower - I hope it is significantly lower. I need it to be low enough so I can start exercising. I cannot deal with being out of control of my body anymore. This has GOT to change. 

This week I have a lot of soul searching to do. I meet my RE next Tuesday. I have to think about what I want to ask him. I have to think about the tests I want to request. I have to think about whether I should do that last IVF. I know most of you suggested I should go ahead with it, but I need to see what I'll do. Even if I don't do that last IVF, I need answers.

The question of adoption - somehow that seems to be a topic that doesn't get discussed between DH and me too much. Its probably because we're still grieving and are not ready to make such big decisions yet. Or is it that we have not "accepted" our "inability to have a biological child"? 

I think what describes my mindset is this: I've always believed there is nothing you can't achieve if you really try. And honestly, I've never failed at anything in my life so far. Or if I have, it may not have been something of consequence, or at least not something that made me question my ability as a human being. This has shaken everything that I was. It's very very hard for me to deal with the fact that my body is failing me again and again at something which is so basic and easy for other people. It is very hard to be out of control, and not know what to do. I guess I'm your typical Type A personality. And now, infertility has thrown me into a spiral - completely out of control spinning looping spiral! 

I can't help but wonder why it is easy for so many others. What have they done differently that I haven't? Why do they deserve something I can't have? 


Anonymous said...

Ah, the Type A personality. You sound just like me and DH. We always seem to be such relaxed, laid back people. That is, of course, until there is something that we really want. That's when the books, charts, and folders come out. Suddenly, I'm the anal retentive nightmare woman. Everyone starts thinking 'isn't she organized?'
No, not really. Not all the time, just when I also think that effort and determination will overcome obstacles.
Take your time tomorrow with your RE, and honestly, you don't have to make the decision then, do you? Get as much information as you can, then go home and let the answer come to you.
Take care tomorrow, I will be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm here with you, I check in on you everyday and I'm here for you too.
Hang in there, what you are feeling is natural for someone in our situation. I agree with every word on your post. take your time to grieve before making any big decisions. You will be a mom no matter what. I can't imagine not having my DD, she was sent by God to be with us and I couldn't imagine her not being my little girl.

heavenlytini said...

wow i'm reading this and its like you're in my head!!! i feel the same way. for me its like how can something that was created to pro-create not be able to pro-create. i don't get why i have to try so hard. seriously i know ppl who try and are successful within 3 months. for me its been almost 2 years and i'm just heartbroken and shattered every month. sorry rambling n-e-way take your time with your decision, you and dh will know what to do next!!!i'll be praying for you and wishing you all the best and happiness!!!