Friday, July 25, 2008

Today

First, my HcG update. It is falling - it is down to 380 today. Not down far enough, but we'll live with it. I asked the nurse if I can start exercising, maybe going to the gym or bicycling. She said no. Not while the HcG is in the hundreds. She said I can start going for walks though. 

Second - where am I today. Yes, Simba is wagging his tail, and DH is hovering around, and there is so much to look forward to. But there are still levels at which my life is shaking. At what levels?

  • This is my third pregnancy loss in the last 8 months. 3 angels in heaven, 3 children that I could have given birth to. I am grieving their loss.
  • This particular loss started out on June 27, and has dragged on for 4 weeks. Today, 4 weeks later, I am in chaos of whether this was a miscarriage - or wait, no, it's an ectopic. So it starts out as a great pregnancy, then turns into one that is not viable, and we wait for my body to pass it on it's own. Then they do a D&C, then I take a shot to "kill" the tissue, ending in an "induced miscarriage". I am confused, and frustrated and grieving my situation. We still haven't reached the end of it - I still have to keep going back for blood tests till my hormones are in control.
  • Talking of hormones - NEVER EVER step in the way of a woman dealing with out of control hormones. All rationality is out the window, all reason is blah! I can feel the hormones ravaging my sensibilities, and I am completely at their mercy. 
  • Physical level - I STILL cannot fit into my clothes. Do I wear maternity clothes? Wait, I'm not pregnant. Do I wear sweat pants and pajamas everywhere? The thought of that is torture at a whole new level - a body confidence level. Do I buy bigger clothes? Am I never going to get back to normal? What can I do? The frustration and the depression that my body issues are causing me is a different battle altogether. 
  • I feel what I feel. I cannot control my feelings. Maybe I can (if I were a saint) but why should I? If I feel like I have failed, I am feeling it intensely. If I weigh my self worth or lack of it by what I have failed in, I am feeling the loss of my self worth. Yes, it will come back some day, but today, I am feeling the loss. 
  • I agree IF is nowhere as bad as cancer or HIV - I never said that. I said the "psychological stress that a person goes through is said to be similar" and even that I quoted, I didn't say it on my own. It's an article - and actually several articles that say that. While I will not die from IF, sometimes I wish I would. I went to bed last night telling DH I wish I don't wake up tomorrow. But I did - tomorrow is here, and here I am, awake, alive. 
  • I know I will get past this phase. Today everything is a mountain to me. I will not deny that. Objects appear smaller in the rearview mirror once you have past them by. Tomorrow, and in future, I know I will be able to look back and this may be a mole hill then. Today it is not. It is my complete reality. 
The volatility of my emotions are what I deal with on a day to day, hour by hour basis. What makes each of us individual is the way in which we react differently to the same situation. There are situational differences, gender differences and just "wiring" differences. I know that any woman in my situation would probably go through the same phases I am going through. There are good days and then there are extremely rough ones. Practical and pragmatic views may be those of "Snap out of it" or, "You've got to deal with it". Sure I will deal with it, but at my own pace. 

My heart is hurt, and I will not push it's healing process. It can take it's time. I will allow it to cry when it wishes to - I owe it that much. My heart has been very strong with me for a long time. When it is hurting, I will acknowledge it. 

4 comments:

DH said...

Your correlation of your current situation being viewed in the "rearview mirror" in the future is so appropriate. I really hope it becomes that soon, and hope it disappears into the distant past, a past that is burried in time and distance, but fresh in memories - healed though! Or atleast new horizons make you smile, feel good about yourself, about the future - full of hidden PLEASANT surprises in front of the windscreen as it appears while you drive into it. I pray, i wish that life offer you the most rewarding gifts for all the struggle, and all the wait, the heart-ache, the losses it has given this far.

It's ok to be vulnerable, to be low, and to feel like crying and being in a shell. We can't suppress our feelings and feel good when we are indeed not.

Good luck and our angels will be with you, healing your pain and wounds...showing you the path to fulfillment and happiness.

Lalchi Dulce said...

That's a good perspective - today's mountain is tomorrow's mole hill. Sometimes things look better from the wrong end of a pair of binoculars :-)

Earl Gearl said...

I'm so glad your numbers are finally decreasing. I can't imagine three losses in eight months. I really feel for you and your dh. I hope you both all the best.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nikki,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this hell. I agree with you about how the feelings and emotions of IF is similar to HIV or Cancer without the factor of being terminally ill. It is something that there is no cure for and only so much that modern medicine can do to help.
I'm here for you and I think about you a lot!
Major hugs!
Kaila