Today

First, my HcG update. It is falling - it is down to 380 today. Not down far enough, but we'll live with it. I asked the nurse if I can start exercising, maybe going to the gym or bicycling. She said no. Not while the HcG is in the hundreds. She said I can start going for walks though. 

Second - where am I today. Yes, Simba is wagging his tail, and DH is hovering around, and there is so much to look forward to. But there are still levels at which my life is shaking. At what levels?

• This is my third pregnancy loss in the last 8 months. 3 angels in heaven, 3 children that I could have given birth to. I am grieving their loss.
• This particular loss started out on June 27, and has dragged on for 4 weeks. Today, 4 weeks later, I am in chaos of whether this was a miscarriage - or wait, no, it's an ectopic. So it starts out as a great pregnancy, then turns into one that is not viable, and we wait for my body to pass it on it's own. Then they do a D&C, then I take a shot to "kill" the tissue, ending in an "induced miscarriage". I am confused, and frustrated and grieving my situation. We still haven't reached the end of it - I still have to keep going back for blood tests till my hormones are in control.
• Talking of hormones - NEVER EVER step in the way of a woman dealing with out of control hormones. All rationality is out the window, all reason is blah! I can feel the hormones ravaging my sensibilities, and I am completely at their mercy. 
• Physical level - I STILL cannot fit into my clothes. Do I wear maternity clothes? Wait, I'm not pregnant. Do I wear sweat pants and pajamas everywhere? The thought of that is torture at a whole new level - a body confidence level. Do I buy bigger clothes? Am I never going to get back to normal? What can I do? The frustration and the depression that my body issues are causing me is a different battle altogether. 
• I feel what I feel. I cannot control my feelings. Maybe I can (if I were a saint) but why should I? If I feel like I have failed, I am feeling it intensely. If I weigh my self worth or lack of it by what I have failed in, I am feeling the loss of my self worth. Yes, it will come back some day, but today, I am feeling the loss. 
• I agree IF is nowhere as bad as cancer or HIV - I never said that. I said the "psychological stress that a person goes through is said to be similar" and even that I quoted, I didn't say it on my own. It's an article - and actually several articles that say that. While I will not die from IF, sometimes I wish I would. I went to bed last night telling DH I wish I don't wake up tomorrow. But I did - tomorrow is here, and here I am, awake, alive. 
• I know I will get past this phase. Today everything is a mountain to me. I will not deny that. Objects appear smaller in the rearview mirror once you have past them by. Tomorrow, and in future, I know I will be able to look back and this may be a mole hill then. Today it is not. It is my complete reality. 

The volatility of my emotions are what I deal with on a day to day, hour by hour basis. What makes each of us individual is the way in which we react differently to the same situation. There are situational differences, gender differences and just "wiring" differences. I know that any woman in my situation would probably go through the same phases I am going through. There are good days and then there are extremely rough ones. Practical and pragmatic views may be those of "Snap out of it" or, "You've got to deal with it". Sure I will deal with it, but at my own pace. 

My heart is hurt, and I will not push it's healing process. It can take it's time. I will allow it to cry when it wishes to - I owe it that much. My heart has been very strong with me for a long time. When it is hurting, I will acknowledge it.