Over the last few years, I have asked DH several times how he deals, or how he feels. Sometimes I am upset when it seems like he is not "involved" and sometimes I am amazed at how clued in he is, and how he seems to be experiencing things the exact same way I do. Sometimes he says he feels "guilty" for "putting me through all this"
To remind everyone - DH has a case of reciprocal balanced chromosome translocation. So it's not male factor infertility, and it's nothing that can be fixed. It's not a vein that can be operated on , or a vasectomy that was done, or sperm count or quality or morphology or anything. I can't tell him to stay out of the hot tub or drink less because his actions are affecting his semen. It's his chromosomes. There's nothing that can be done about it.
I go through the IVF's and the emotions and losses, and I cry and I talk, and I express, and people reach out to me and support me. I have my friends on the message boards, I have my friends here, in blogger land, and I have my real life friends who've been wonderful.
Men don't do that. Men don't cry and talk and reach out and seek support. Men want to appear strong and brave. But men need the love too. This morning DH and I were talking, and it came out that he's very very vulnerable. He feels like there's nobody he can turn to to lean on. I'm there, but he worries about burdening me more while I'm hurting. I try and help him because I know he feels "responsible" with the chromosome issue.
All our friends have reached out to me, some have asked how he's doing, but the focus has been me. I feel bad right now. I wish I could divert that focus on him for a bit. He needs his share too. I wish there were people who would automatically realize and reach out to him. But again - they're men too, and most of them will not emote and react in the way we women do. It seems like sometimes men don't know the right things to say, and don't realize that just a simple call or a simple conversation could mean a lot to the other person.
Any ideas on how I can help DH?