Thursday, August 28, 2008

My shoes pinch

Maybe I'm a horrible horrible person, but maybe I'm just hurting a little?

What do you do when friends you were pregnant with carry on with life, celebrating the arrival of their babies, documenting the growth and development of those babies and basically plastering their babies pictures everywhere? I mean, you can't blame them really for being excited....

2 of my friends were pregnant the first time I was pregnant - they were both a few weeks ahead of me. One is a very close friend who I've known almost all my life, and the other is someone we've known a few years. I lost my baby, and their pregnancies carried on normally. Both had baby boys within days of each other. At that point I was reeling from the emotional effects of my chemical pregnancy. 

To give them credit - both these girls have been very very mature. They did not rub their pregnancies in my face, they never oohed and aahed over their growing tummies, and they stayed mostly silent once the babies arrived.  I really really appreciated this from them because I had no way of controlling myself and my tears at that time. 

Time has gone past - their boys are growing. Me on the other hand - I have since then had an ectopic pregnancy, and you all know the roller coaster of desperation that I've been on since then. I've been largely absent from their life - hopefully understandably. If not understandably, then selfishly, or by means of self protection.

Fast forward to the present. I have to keep my mind occupied. When it's not super uber busy, it gets depressed. So I spend a lot of time reading, researching and being online. In the process I also spend a lot of time on so.cial net.working sites. 

Yesterday the husband of one of these friends added pictures of their boy. I was browsing around minding my own business, when suddenly I see ""________" has added new photos" so I decided to check them out. I was looking at the pictures and it struck me that my daughter would have been around the same age now. My vision went blurry with the tears in my eyes. I logged out of the site. 

This morning I logged in and told myself that I would not look at those pictures again. But what do I see ""_______" has added new photos". This person is the brother of my other friend - the one I've known all my life. He always puts up really fun pictures - people at parties, and his vacations and generally fun stuff. I always enjoy his pictures - they never fail to put a smile on my face. So I clicked on it - and there was his sister and her new baby and her parents and everything else!!! (Mind you - my friend herself has not put up those pictures. She has told me categorically that she is staying distant from me because she does not want me to feel bad - and I appreciate that)

I am so weighed down by these 2 events. I know their life cannot stop because mine is a mess. I know they obviously will and have the right to enjoy their babies - and I would too, if I were in their shoes. But I'm not in their shoes. And my shoes pinch. They pinch bad. 


Shelby said...

I'm so sorry you've had to endure this. It really is a constant knife in the heart. I am there with you. I recently found out that one of my friends is due 5 days before I would have been and she SPLASHED this across my Facebook page.

Then, my husband's cousin's wife is due in a few weeks and we let them know we were pregnant just a day before we found out we had lost the baby. We were excited that we'd be raising little cousins together. Now, as they have their little girl, I am reminded of my loss...again.

Finally, we started really trying at the same time friends of ours did. They've had 2 kids since then, both of who they plaster pictures of on Flickr. Every time I open my account, there they are.

It seems like every time I turn around, my pain can not just be felt, but can be seen. I empathize with you.

Jewels said...

Aww maaan ((Huge~Hugs)) I hate it when it hurts, as much as they do have the right to enjoy w/o reservation (at least that's what I keep telling my self), it sucks when it stings in our world, I try so hard to be a good sport, and sometimes I really think I'm doing a good job, until I realize I'm dizzy - disoriented - and my heart is racing up in my throat and I'm engulfed in panic, then I need to run back to my safe zone ~fast~ and even when I arrive in my safe zone, it doesn't look familiar at first, I hate that.