Something that I have been wondering about of late has been my faith in God. Normally I am an average religious person - I believe in a higher power, but I am not ritualistic in my faith. I don't have a relationship of fear with God, and I believe that fearing God and being ritualistic are closely linked to each other.
In the last 7 years, obviously I've had many "conversations" with God. I've asked for answers, I've asked for direction, I've asked for signs. I've prayed, I've promised, and I've felt, really deeply felt God. I've cried tears in God's house, and I've asked for God to be there with me as I stumble my way through the darkness that I find myself in.
My faith has wavered sometimes because I find myself in situations that I cannot believe were planned by God for me. After my first miscarriage, I didn't pray for a couple of months. I felt anger and I felt like I had been let down. Slowly I brought myself back to prayer, and put things in His hands again. Then I had my chemical pregnancy. This time I didn't lose faith. I kept praying.
This time, after my ectopic - I have not prayed so far again. I am struggling for answers, and I am struggling to make sense of it all.
I know everyone says "God has a plan for me, and will reveal my plan to me when it is time" - I can't help but wonder if THIS is the plan. That I should cry tears, and suffer losses, and not find direction and a way forward.
I feel guilty for wavering in my faith, but then I think that God knows exactly how I feel right now, and God is the architect behind all my feelings, I am but a puppet.
I am however feeling pressured by people that are asking me to pray. Family and friends that ask me to "Keep the Faith". I've told some people that I'm not praying. Some family members were not happy at my response. People have offered to pray for me, and that makes me feel more guilty for my wavered faith and thoughts.
I feel a little agnostic right now, and I don't know if and when my faith will be restored.