Friday, August 15, 2008

My struggles

If anything, the whole journey of infertility forces me to do a lot of soul searching. I think about things, I question things, I ask the "What If" questions, and wonder about many many things. 

Something that I have been wondering about of late has been my faith in God. Normally I am an average religious person - I believe in a higher power, but I am not ritualistic in my faith. I don't have a relationship of fear with God, and I believe that fearing God and being ritualistic are closely linked to each other. 

In the last 7 years, obviously I've had many "conversations" with God. I've asked for answers, I've asked for direction, I've asked for signs. I've prayed, I've promised, and I've felt, really deeply felt God. I've cried tears in God's house, and I've asked for God to be there with me as I stumble my way through the darkness that I find myself in. 

My faith has wavered sometimes because I find myself in situations that I cannot believe were planned by God for me. After my first miscarriage, I didn't pray for a couple of months. I felt anger and I felt like I had been let down. Slowly I brought myself back to prayer, and put things in His hands again. Then I had my chemical pregnancy. This time I didn't lose faith. I kept praying.

This time, after my ectopic - I have not prayed so far again. I am struggling for answers, and I am struggling to make sense of it all.

I know everyone says "God has a plan for me, and will reveal my plan to me when it is time" - I can't help but wonder if THIS is the plan. That I should cry tears, and suffer losses, and not find direction and a way forward. 

I feel guilty for wavering in my faith, but then I think that God knows exactly how I feel right now, and God is the architect behind all my feelings, I am but a puppet.

I am however feeling pressured by people that are asking me to pray. Family and friends that ask me to "Keep the Faith". I've told some people that I'm not praying. Some family members were not happy at my response. People have offered to pray for me, and that makes me feel more guilty for my wavered faith and thoughts. 

I feel a little agnostic right now, and I don't know if and when my faith will be restored.  


Jewels said...

I have a lot I could say on the topic, no advice, just experience, but the topic of God can be touchy and personal.
I will say this, sometimes I need a break from the God of my own understanding, sometimes the God I usually pray too isn't working for my sole, I feel to disconnected, so I move to something else that brings me comfort, You may read often that I pray to a Mom God, that's because the Father in heaven - well - I'm pissed of at him, or our energy isn’t connecting, what ever it may be. Sometimes my god is tree, flower, water, the universe, the eco system, Music, poetry, science, blogging, cause and effect, My god changes to fit what I can hear and feel for the moment, and I truly believe with all my heart that GOD understands and holds nothing against me for it. (Then again I believe God is all of that and speaks to me however I can listen)
Anyway, I'm sending a ~Cyber Hug~
A million ~Cyber Hugs~ Just because.

I'm leaving for the weekend but I'll be thinking about you.

Courtney said...

big hugs. This is a great post Nikki. I think we can all relate to struggling with our faith through this journey. After my loss, I was so angry with God, and there have been many, many times that I haven't been able to even talk to Him. The only way I have been able to get through those times is to be completely honest with God. I tell Him exactly how I feel, and I don't hide any of my emotions. I think a lot of the prayers of women struggling with infertility and loss are probably similar to David in Psalms just crying out why???. Or like Hannah who dealt with infertility in the Bible. I love how it says that "In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD." I can relate to Hannah and the state of her soul/heart during those prayers when she cried out to God. Just come to Him just as you are, and He will comfort you. I'm here for you.