These are my thoughts and ramblings as we plod through our quest to have a family. The ride has been loopy and we seem to be on a low more than on a high. Hopefully this too shall change someday.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Facing it
Lauren posted about this on her blog a couple of days back, and I watched this video and it brought a lump to my throat. It's a clip from the movie "Facing the Giants". I have not seen the movie yet (I did immediately add it to my Net.fli.x queue though) but just from this clip, and from reading Lauren's note, I felt something inside. Of late I have been feeling low and like I want to give up - not just on IF, but many other things. This clip made me think maybe this is when I need to give myself that extra push!
I've been angry and confused and depressed, and have found it hard to see any hope. Maybe this was the message I need right now.
I will talk about the movie once I watch it. For now - here's the clip. Lauren - thanks for sharing this and for letting me share it too!
i love that clip sometimes u need to see and hear certain things to keep you going. like when he was saying its to hard, it hurts, i can't anymore. and coach is like it hurts but keep going, its hard but keep going u think u can't but keep going!!!i needed to hear all of those things!!!thanx for sharing that clip!!!
After a 12 year long bumpy ride on the infertility roller coaster, DH and I have recently adopted a baby boy. We pursued open adoption and with this match, our family has been blessed and expanded to include a very loving birth family. This blog is about our adoption story and living life as a trans-racial family.
I am 42, and I live in San Jose, CA with my DH, son and our German Shepherd, Simba.
2003: Saw RE. 3 more rounds of Clomid / 5 rounds of IUIs (2 with injectables) - All BFN. Time to move on to IVF - but our insurance didn't cover it, and we couldn't afford to do it out of pocket.
2004: I injured my knee - had to have 2 surgeries to reconstruct it. So TTC was on the back burner.
Also got new job with IF coverage on the insurance.
2005: IVF#1. 29 eggs retrieved, 21 fertilized, 15 survived till day 3. 2 embryos transferred, 13 embryos frozen. BFN.
2006: Break from TTC.
2007: Went back to RE and demanded explanation for our BFNs. We were unexplained - nothing was ever off in our tests. Demanding additional testing pushed them into checking our karyotypes. DH's came back with a balanced translocation.
Changed RE - went to one that would do PGD for us.
Thawed our frozen embryos - PGD revealed all abnormal. FET cancelled. This was August 2007.
Oct 07: Fresh IVF #2. 17 eggs retrieved - 10 survived for biopsy. 1 normal after PGD. day 5 transfer - BFP!!!! Beautiful heartbeat u/s etc. Unfortunately m/c in the 9th week. D&C Nov 07. No frozen embies.
March/ April 08: Fresh IVF #3. 14 eggs retrieved - 9 biopsied. 1 normal - but not of great quality. Chemical pregnancy - first Beta was 10, then 5. No frozen embies.
June 08: Fresh IVF#4 - 17 eggs retrieved - 11 biopsied. 2 normal - BFP. Turned out to be ectopic which could not be found on u/s.
First they did a D&C, and when my HcG rose after that, they gave me a methotrexate shot. It took weeks for my Hcg normals to return to negative. No frozen embryos.
August 08: Our RE wanted us to talk to CCRM - "fresh pair of eyes" etc. Consulted CCRM and they called us for a 1 day work up.
Sep 08: 1 day work up in CCRM - they found my uterus to be T shaped (Why nobody saw it in so many years will always be a mystery to me)
Oct 08: Surgery to fix the shape of my uterus.
Dec 08: Post op Hysteroscopy - my uterus now looks normal. We can proceed with IVF#5!
Jan 09: Fresh IVF#5 - 31 eggs retrieved, 24 mature, 14 fertilized via ICSI, 6 made it to day 5. PGD done on day 5. 4 blasts normal! This was a freeze all cycle.
Feb 09: Preparing for FET - lining would not grow. After being postponed week after week for 3 weeks, we cancelled the FET.
Mar 09: Went to Denver for hysteroscopy to rule out any scar tissue / adhesions etc in my uterus. Currently on break from prepping for FET. Will decide in a couple of months and continue from there.
"Unborn" - Written in April 2008
Whose eyes would you have had? Would you be like Mom or like Dad? Would your hair be light or would it be dark? No matter how you would be, you'd still be our spark
Are you sister and brother Taking care of each other? Or were you two little girls Your Mommy's two little pearls?
I wish we could touch your tiny feet I wish we could hear your heart beat I'd give anything to be able to kiss your fingers You left unborn, but your memory still lingers
There is no healing, time dulls the pain Time can't stop me from thinking of you again and again I've cried tears in silence, I've cried myself to sleep Nothing to hold on to, only some memories to keep
You're in a safer place, is what Dadda tells me But I want nothing more than to have you here with me To hold, to love, to cherish and nourish To finally see our dreams fulfilled and see our family flourish
We'll meet in heaven some day When we can all get together and play Till then, watch over us and see us through this fight For sometimes we falter and it's hard to see the light.
"Empty Arms" - written on Dec 16, 2007
You came into our lives We thanked God for you each day God had different plans And He took you away
You were our biggest ray of hope That so far we had seen You made us Mommy and Daddy Though short your stay has been
Your eight weeks were short So quickly you were gone We are left remembering your loss When we were imagining you being born
We are left with empty arms That were longing to hold you close We are left with shattered hearts Wondering why it wasn't us God chose
We hold on to your memories With tears in our eyes We wish we could turn back time We wish God would hear our cries
Be safe, dear Angel You were loved by Mom and Dad We miss you and are so so sorry You would have been the biggest joy we would have had.
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1 comment:
i love that clip sometimes u need to see and hear certain things to keep you going. like when he was saying its to hard, it hurts, i can't anymore. and coach is like it hurts but keep going, its hard but keep going u think u can't but keep going!!!i needed to hear all of those things!!!thanx for sharing that clip!!!
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