Monday, August 18, 2008

The story of my life?

I came across this link somewhere, and as I read the article, it struck me that this sounds totally like my life. I'm sure a lot of you will feel the same way - that the author of the article could very well have been you! 

Here it is:

http://www.sptimes.com/2007/09/30/L...a_baby_at.shtml

There were a list of comments at the end of the article, and they sound very very similar to reactions we all get from our friends and family. A lot of them are said with good intentions, but they hit you nonetheless. 

I've had people (older people) tell me how their kids left home at 17 or 18, and how bad that hurts, and today, if they had the option to re-do their lives, they would not have kids. I wonder if they really would not have the kids had they known that the kids would grow up and move out? ( And who doesn't know that kids do grow up?) 
How about if a child dies? Does a parent ever say "My child died - and that hurt so bad, I should have never had this child in the first place?" 

I've had people say that I should find meaning in my life outside of my ability to have children. That happiness or success is not always measured by the ability to reproduce. Most of those people are parents. I wonder how many of those people would have said the same to me if they themselves were struggling the way I struggle? 

I've had people tell me that I have a good marriage and a good relationship with DH and I should be happy with that. I know they are trying to show me reasons to count my blessings, and I do. I do count my blessings everyday. But I didn't know that it was an either / or scenario. Only people in poor marriages get to have kids, and because I have a good marriage, I should just stay happy with what I have and therefore never "want"? How about if I want to have a baby BECAUSE of the love in my relationship with DH?

I've had people think that I am not dealing well, and again, while I understand that they mean well, and they are also hurting to see me hurt, I want everyone to understand that 10 years from today, I will probably be that example too. That example that everyone has in their lives "I know this person who went through pretty much the same thing". It's hardest to deal with your problem when it's raw and when you are in the midst of it. Having gone through something in the past makes it exactly that - something in the past.

I've had people say "Why don't you just adopt" and for reasons that I don't know yet, my reaction is - I will not "just adopt" - the way the author of this article said it. 

We have a situation or an issue we are dealing with, and we are trying to deal the best that we can. That "best" may not be good enough for others that are not in our shoes, but that's the best we can do right now. Some days we deal better than others, and some days we don't. 

Time is ticking along, and it is getting easier to deal, there is no denying that. 


2 comments:

Jackie said...

You're right. It is raw. I makes me sad when I read that others are telling you to be happy with what you have. You ARE happy. You KNOW what you have. You still want a child. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling that a woman (or man) might have in her life, and that's okay.
Hang in there.

heavenlytini said...

nikki i could see the page it kept saying addy was wrong. but like u say its always easier for people to say things like that when they already have it. and its easy for people to comment on how u should be grieving or your choices because they're not going through what you're going through. its easy to look in try living it then give you some advice!!!
i get that all the time oh u don't have kids u're lucky. no i'm not, i want children. sometimes you just have to ignore and live your life the best way you know how!!!