Poetic venting

When I lost my first pregnancy in November last year, I was in so much mental pain and agony that I never thought it would be possible to heal. I wrote this to my daughter then (Testing revealed it was a girl). Only DH and one cousin have seen this before, and today for some reason I feel brave enough to share it with you all. 

"Empty Arms" - written on Dec 16, 2007:

You came into our lives

We thanked God for you each day

God had different plans

And He took you away

You were our biggest ray of hope

That so far we had seen

You made us Mommy and Daddy

Though short your stay has been

Your eight weeks were short

So quickly you were gone

We are left remembering your loss

When we were imagining you being born

We are left with empty arms

That were longing to hold you close

We are left with shattered hearts

Wondering why it wasn't us God chose

We hold on to your memories

With tears in our eyes

We wish we could turn back time

We wish God would hear our cries

Be safe, dear Angel

You were loved by Mom and Dad

We miss you and are so so sorry

You would have been the biggest joy we would have had.

Then in April 2008, I had a chemical pregnancy. At first I didn't feel anything, but over the next few weeks, there was an intense realization that I needed to acknowledge the fact that I had just lost a second baby. Even though it was a very early loss, it was a loss. That's when I wrote this. This one has been seen only by DH so far:

"Unborn" - Written in April 2008

Whose eyes would you have had?

Would you be like Mom or like Dad?

Would your hair be light or would it be dark?

No matter how you would be, you'd still be our spark

Are you sister and brother

Taking care of each other?

Or were you two little girls

Your Mommy's two little pearls?

I wish we could touch your tiny feet

I wish we could hear your heart beat

I'd give anything to be able to kiss your fingers

You left unborn, but your memory still lingers

There is no healing, time dulls the pain

Time can't stop me from thinking of you again and again

I've cried tears in silence, I've cried myself to sleep

Nothing to hold on to, only some memories to keep

You're in a safer place, is what Dadda tells me

But I want nothing more than to have you here with me

To hold, to love, to cherish and nourish

To finally see our dreams fulfilled and see our family flourish

We'll meet in heaven some day

When we can all get together and play

Till then, watch over us and see us through this fight

For sometimes we falter and it's hard to see the light.

This time around - no poems for the baby. I feel so dead inside. I feel numbed and shocked. Maybe it will all come back some day. Till then, there's prose!